


Living with Obscurity

by EuphoriaWriter



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: A lot of cursing, Angst, Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Miu, Bisexuality, Counseling, Crushes, Dark Thoughts, Depression, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, I'M SCREAMING, Lesbians, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Institutions, Mental Ward, Mental Youth Ward AU, Other, PTSD episodes, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Romance, Sexual References, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Suicide, Teenagers, Tenko X Himiko, a lot of sexuality, crude language, everyone is gay for rantaro sorry I dont make the rules, fight me, oma is gay, oma is spelled oma not ouma, ratings will change, referenced Anorexia and bulimia, referenced abuse, referenced rape, saiouma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-10 01:50:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Underage
Chapters: 6
Words: 30,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12901392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EuphoriaWriter/pseuds/EuphoriaWriter
Summary: " Shuichi had a small list of how to live life. One, don’t cause trouble for others, two, avoid confrontation in order to keep the first objective in tact. And three, always take three deep breaths before making any decision.His list went through his head, swirling dark, gray and gushing like the murky water he watched. Among the glistening and gurgling of distortion, he felt like he was staring into his grave. Feeling the bars of the cold steel railing on the bridge on his palms, he let a shutter roll through him as he counter slowly and steadily as he could. "Mental Ward AU- Read the tags!





	1. Like a River

**Author's Note:**

> PL E A S E READ THIS!!!
> 
> Now that I have your attention, a few things are in order to shed light on. This is a mental ward youth hospital au, I am aware that mental wards mistreat their patients and it will never be okay that these facilities do this, but not every mental ward is 100% horrible, that being said lets not forget that there a plenty that are terrible. 
> 
> I have not been to a mental ward, I have had close friends that have been to them and have read about mental wards before hand (fyi I do a lot of research while I'm writing, if you want to help share a few thing's be sure to message me on tumblr or leave a comment).  
> I also will be trying really hard to not romanticize the situation, this is a slow burn Saiouma ship fanfic, but the situation is not one to be fetishized or looked at as something to be sought out. These characters are mentally unstable teenagers trying to recuperate from traumatic events, episodes and situations caused by or what triggered their mental illnesses. 
> 
> Mental illness should /not/ be fetishized!
> 
> This is a pure work of fiction, but at the end of each chapter I will leave a suicide hotline number just incase anyone does get triggered, I am hoping that no one is, but to be safe I will leave the phone number at the end of each chapter.
> 
> Now that you have read that tidbit, go forth and read.

_Shuichi had a small list of how to live life. One, don’t cause trouble for others, two, avoid confrontation in order to keep the first objective in tact. And three, always take three deep breaths before making any decision._

_His list went through his head, swirling dark, gray and gushing like the murky water he watched. Among the glistening and gurgling of distortion, he felt like he was staring into his grave. Feeling the bars of the cold steel railing on the bridge on his palms, he let a shutter roll through him as he counter slowly and steadily as he could._

 

* * *

 

A chill ran down Shuichi’s spine, it was not like the inside of the building was too cold or too warm, but a sudden chill ran through him that touched his skin and seeped into his nerves. Of course it bothered him enough to go into a full body shudder, to which the woman in front of him noticed as she finished the last of her notes. She straightened up a little and flicked her deep blue eyes at him.

“You alright?” she asked, her pen finishing with one last letter. Shuichi watched her put his file away into a folder, attentively and quietly for a moment.

Shuichi shook his head, “I’m alright, just a chill,” he responded in a way that he thought seemed normal enough.

The lady in front of him was Amari Fumi, a psychiatrist, she met up with Shuichi five or so hours after he arrived at the hospital. She had asked him a bunch of questions, most of which he remembered going through with his counselor when he had started counseling. For a few moments Shuichi was sure he should not be here, he should've just gone home the moment he thought about calling a suicide hotline at two am in the morning.

He was almost tempted to tell Mrs. Amari that he had made a mistake and that he should be home. If he went home though his parents would probably bring him back here, they were determined like that.

“It’s alright to be nervous, the facility will only keep you here for as long as you need, the ward is known to be one of the best in the country for youths, we get great ratings on yelp,” Amari joked, which drew a small chuckle from Shuichi’s lips.

“I just…” Shuichi began, losing his words and confidence altogether, the numbing feeling seeped back into his tongue and gave him the apathy to continue his sentence, “I don't know how I should feel about all of this, anything is worth a shot at this point, at least I can say i tried.”

Shuichi really wished he had his hat to avert from seeing whatever look was on Mrs. Amari’s face.

 

* * *

 

They let Shuichi contact his parents to let them know where he was, what was going on and a few of his things. The youth ward kept new patients under a twenty four hour watch and go from there, but Shuichi had a feeling that this might be the last place he’ll see while he’s alive.

He saw his parents before he was briefed into the ward, his father hugged him tightly and told him he was proud of Shuichi. Shuichi could not see what there was to be proud of. His mother kissed his forehead and they talked with Mrs. Amari and the director of the ward together. The staff went through checking Shuichi’s belongings his parents brought, a precautionary a small part of him found ridiculous, but his logical side knew it was for his and the other patient’s safety. He still found it weird when they confiscated his shoelaces.

When he had his duffel bag back and the director was done talking to him and his parents, Shuichi said his goodbyes. He felt like if his depression wasn't going to kill him then his father’s hugs would.

Shuichi slung the black duffel bag over his shoulder as he was buzzed in through two sets of doors. Once he was through the second set he was greeted by a man in a long white coat and a bright smile, which was not as distracting as his hair which defied gravity. The man took Shuichi’s hand in such a charismatic way that he almost felt a little possessed by him.

“Hey there Shuichi, my names Kaito Momota, I’m one of the staff counselors in the ward, if you have any questions or concerns feel free to come find me!”

Shuichi really wished he had one of his hats on, Kaito’s eyes bore into him with such a  friendly intensity that he felt like he might get sick. He felt himself nodding in response and Kaito let go of his hand, to which Shuichi was so grateful for he wanted to thank every god he knew in existence.

Without a word, Kaito started walking and Shuichi took a few quick strides to catch back up with the man.

“So we got two wings, left wing is for the boys, right wing is for the girls, we call it the w, lets see who you’ll be rooming with,” Kaito spoke, looking through a clipboard he had tucked under his arm, going through Shuichi’s file without a thought.

“Oooh you go to the local high school huh? A lot of kids here are from the area, but a lot of their families are loaded,” Kaito said without a care in the world.

“Y-you sure that’s something you should be saying?” Shuichi sputtered out without a thought, immediately clenching his fists and digging his nails into them with regret.

Kaito burst into boisterous laughter, “I’m sure! I like you Shuichi, I can tell we’ll get along juuust fine, now let's see… Roomate…”

Kaito went back into looking through his file as they walked down into a hallway with doors labeled with letters and numbers. All of the doors were left open, Shuichi listened to Kaito explain how doors were to be left open at all times. Shuichi picked up that one side of the hallway was numbered 1 and the other 2 going in alphabetical order of A1 to D1. Kaito paused for a moment and as he did an extremely short boy came out of room C2.

“Morning Ryoma, this is Shuichi, he’s the newbie, Shuichi this is Ryoma,” Kaito introduced them. Ryoma pulled the black beanie on his head further down, looking over Shuichi with a dead look in his eyes.

“Whatever, I’ll see you around if the tiny purple dictator doesn’t get to you first,” Ryoma spoke in a deep voice, talking as if he had witnessed everything and nothing that this world had to give. And just as he was there he was gone and Kaito cackled in a bittersweet way at Ryoma’s words, shaking his head.

“Tiny… Purple Dictator… Is that an inside joke?” Shuichi asked quietly to himself.

“Afraid not,” Kaito said tapping his clipboard, “you’ll find out soon enough, you’re in 2B, which only means _he’s_ your roommate.”

With a sigh, Kaito opened the door to 2B fully, letting Shuichi access. Stepping inside, Shuichi noticed there was a defined line between order and chaos in the room. On one side there was a bed and a drawer that looked untouched, on the other was another bed and drawer, the bed was made, but that was the cleanest organized part of it. The walls on that side of the room had newspaper clippings, magazine pages and all sorts of chaotic things pinned with string that looked like some pseudo detective work, but the string ended up going off of the wall and around the neck of a teddy bear on the drawer that was missing one of its button eyes. THe rest of the drawer was cluttered with papers and crayons, all around the bed itself were stacks of books, a few that were split over like towers being destroyed. Shuichi was not sure what to make of it, and then he saw words written on the wall that said, “The world belongs to Kokichi Oma ” in dark purple crayon.

Shuichi felt his lips forming into a flat line as Kaito joined him into the room, letting out a low whistle, “wow looks like Kokichi cleaned up.”

“Of course I did! I didn’t want my new roomate to think I’m a slob!”

Shuichi felt himself flinch and almost jump at the piercing voice that came out of nowhere behind him. Kaito and him turned to see...well… Shuichi was not sure.

“ _Gremlin_ ,” Shuichi slightly caught Kaito mutter under his breath and Shuichi could not help but agree.

There was a kid, Shuichi was pretty sure he was a kid, he was standing in the doorway, the other physical feature Shuichi could make out was sweeping straight dark hair that was tipped purple at the ends where they curled slightly up. As for the rest… Shuichi could not tell because the kid was wearing a straightjacket that seemed too big, a clown mask and some red fluid dripping from the frowning face of the mask down onto the collar of the straight jacket, it almost looked like blood, but the way it stained the jacket was not right.

“Whatcha guys looking at? If you stare too hard I might poke your eyes out,” the kid giggled, speaking like he was playing a really fun game.

“Jesus, Kokichi, where did you even get the jacket? Did you trick Gonta into letting you into the staff rooms again?” Kaito said, his tone morphed into one that was annoyed and with irritation that felt like he’s been through this too many times.

“Again?” Shuichi echoed to himself, watching as the kid bounced in his spot.

“Gonta is just here for our safety so don’t worry I felt very safe! By the way you guys should really try changing your locks, now if you excuse me I have an important meeting to attend to!”

After the kid spoke he slipped into the bathroom and closed the curtain separating it from the rest of the room, there was a beat before he poked his head out and said, “that was a lie by the way, I know Kaito here has a really hard time telling, he’s got nothing but space dust in his head after a-”

Kokichi dodged as Kaito threw his pen at him, stuck his head back out to blow a raspberry and then slammed the divider curtain closed.

As Kaito cursed at Kokichi through the door, Shuichi took a moment to place his duffel bag on the bed on the unoccupied part of the room. Kaito gestured at Shuichi to come out of the room and as they were leaving Kaito yelled inside, “you better give that jacket back to Kirumi! Or else you little shit!”

After the door to 2B was left open a crack, Kaito sighed and looked at Shuichi, “sorry about that, Kokichi is… Well he tends to drive his roommates out, we lack a lot of patients right now and Ryoma already threatened to get an official restraining order on him when they were bunked, if you want to switch you can get you bunked with Ryoma instead.”

Shuichi found himself shrugging and his list ran through his head, mainly number one telling him not to cause trouble.

“No need, I’ll be okay,” Shuichi reassured and then paused as he say Kaito looking at him and he felt his skin crawl a little.

“Um, mind if I get something from my bag real quick?” Shuichi asked.

Kaito patted his back, “yeah sure, no rush no rush.”

Shuichi nodded and slipped back into room 2B, eyes on his duffel bag as he made a beeline for it. Shuffling through the bag he found his mother had put three of his favorite caps inside, she knew him well enough and Shuichi was suddenly wracked with emotion. He felt overwhelmingly nauseous by it, the grief, guilt, love and frustration, he wish he was free of illness so his parents wouldn’t have to go through having a child like him. He was causing trouble for them and he can feel it.

He tried to get a grip and rub the moisture out of his eyes, just as he did he heard a swish of the curtain moving and turned to see the curtain close over the doorless door frame. Now he felt embarrassed, that kid probably was spying on him and just say him trying not to break into a sobbing mess. Good grief.

Shuichi picked up a leather cap that was well worn with love and placed it on his head, pulling the bill down just how he liked it. He brushed his bangs around until they felt comfortable on his face before exiting the room again and rejoining Kaito.

 

* * *

 

Kaito gave Shuichi the run down tour of the ward, there was a small cafeteria, a lounge where there was three computers and a tv, the activity room which looked like a conference room minus the conference part. When it came to looking at the right wing, Kaito just gestured at it and told Shuichi to not get caught down there past ten thirty, to which Shuichi gave Kaito a pity laugh when he realized Kaito was trying to make a perverted joke.

Near the end of the tour Kaito took Shuichi near the way he had entered the ward from and showed him what looked like a front office area. Inside was a woman with dark skin and long white hair braided back. She flashed a warm smile at Kaito and Shuichi in a way that comforted his heart, she was talking on the phone and from her voice Shuichi can pick up her accent.

“This is the front office area, staff only, paperwork and technical stuff, if you can't find one of us it's best to come here to get someone just in case. There’s a phone over there, you’re only allowed to make two calls a day, it used to be three, but then Kokichi took the liberty of ruining that, I’ll let your imagination run with that,” Shuichi spotted the red phone nailed to the wall across the hallway from the office that Kaito gestured at.

Kaito too a moment to lean over the threshold of the office window to grab a paper and handed it over to Shuichi.

“This is also the daily schedule we have here, we keep it like this so everyone here can at least have some order, order is a great way to getting back on track,” Kaito explained.

Shuichi looked over the paper, it was a timed schedule of when certain meals were served, free time, counseling and even had a schedule for when they had wake up calls and sleep schedules. There was even an explanation for when counseling sessions were one on one or group sessions. Kaito leaned over to explain how the staff will let the patients know when there were activities during free time and mentioned how it was optional.

“Speaking of timed schedules…” Kaito took a second to look at his watch, “it's around twelve so let's go get lunch.”

Kaito waved at the girl behind the counter as Shuichi followed him back to the cafeteria, keeping his head and gaze low to anyone else. Once they had gotten themselves sustenance Shuichi followed Kaito over to a table where Shuichi spotted three girls were sitting at, two of which were holding a seemingly nice conversation and the other was scribbling something into a notebook. Kaito brought Shuichi in front of the table and smacked him on the back.

“Hey girls, this is Shuichi, he’s new here so go easy on him,” just before Kaito then dipped away to leave Shuichi in the hot seat he whispered, “you’re welcome,” to Suichi.

Shuichi felt his face flush with heat and he knew he was obviously blushing, he dipped his head low, “n-nice to meet you…”

“Oh my god look at that virgin boy!” he heard one of the girls say loud and crassly, which only made his face flame up more with heat.

“Miu-Chan this is why most of us ignore you,” he heard another girl say in a monotone voice and the girl who was speaking crassly started speaking like she was flushed and hurt, Shuichi drowned it out.

One of the girls patted the spot next to her, she wore round glasses and wore a contemplative look on her face, “come sit over here Shuichi, don’t mind Miu-chan, she’s an ill mannered miscreant.”

Shuichi nodded as Miu proceeded to defend herself in a wimpy manner, he took the seat next to the girl.

“My name’s Tsumugi, this is Himiko and that’s Miu over there,” Tsumugi introduced, taking a sip from her glass, Shuichi nodded, finding a small smile forming on his lips.

Miu had went back to her scribbling, brows furrowed in concentration, Suichi picked at the salad he had, but his appetite was hard to find at the moment.

“So how long did it take for them to process you? I ask because you’re one of the earliest to come in,” Himiko asked, tilting her head as she spoke, Shuichi wondered if she was tired all the time or if it was apart of her personality.

“Um well I’m not so sure, I had to wait until the psychiatrist came in to see me, so probably eight hours?” Shuichi guess out loud, trying to figure out the math in his head.

Miu piped up, “ so you got here at eleven and got in around three am? What were you doing up late? Were you beating your meat by yourself like the sicko virgin you are and couldn’t find a release?”

Shuichi paused for a moment and just looked at Miu, who was still at her notebook scribbling. He glanced over at Tsumugi and Himiko, as if trying to convey the question of, “do I really have to answer that?” through the silent communication of facial expression. So instead Shuichi opted to ignoring her.

“Yeah so it took me eight hours to get processed, to answer your question,” Shuichi turned back to Himiko, who looked like she was having a hard time touching her food. He was not sure how to take that and Himiko just nodded silently in response.

“We’re not usually morning people,” Tsumugi supplied.

“That’s fine,” Shuichi responded.

Somewhere between small talk Shuichi managed to eat his food and return his tray over to the return area. As he finished putting things away he felt a push from behind and stumbled forward on his feet. Turning around to see what had happened he was face to face with his clown masked roommate, who was no longer wearing a straightjacket and instead had replaced it with a white cotton shirt. He heard giggling from behind the mask.

“Heeey roomie! Or shouldn't I call you Shuichi Saihara? Ab blood type annnnd a four point zero average student of-”

“I’m sorry, but how did you figure that out?” Shuichi interrupted Kokichi, feeling the sting of his self hatred hit him again for it.

“I have the ability to know everything about a person just by looking at them! Sometimes I know more if I touch them, wanna see?” Kokichi reached out to touch Shuichi’s arm, but Shuichi ended up flinching back in response.

“Hahaha! No need to worry Shuichi, that was all a lie!” he heard Kokichi laugh under the mask, swinging back and forth on his heels as he does so.

“Then mind telling me how you knew all of that?” Shuichi asked, eyebrows raised at the odd kid.

“Nope! That’s a secret!”

Before Shuichi could even respond, Kokichi turned on his heel and bounced away, disappearing and leaving Shuichi a little confused and uncomfortable with the transaction.

“He looks at everyone’s file’s,” a gentle voice said behind him. Shuichi turned to spot one of the staff members, she had short gray hair and wore a long skirt with a button up tucked into it. She held a clipboard in her gloved hands and smiled softly at Shuichi.

“He’s a bit of a nuisance, no one can quite figure him out, even his own file is a bit messy,” she said before offering a hand to Shuichi. He took it and shook her hand, “I’m Kirumi Tojo, I actually have a few questions about your medications, it’ll take a few minutes.”

Shuichi nodded and followed Kirumi out of the cafeteria and over to the front office to answer her questions for her to record on paper. Kirumi was very thorough with asking Shuichi about the dosages and previous anti depressants his counselor had put him on. Once she was done Kirumi mentioned how there was group counseling session today in the lounge and that he should make his way over there.

Shuichi managed to find his way to the lounge, where Ryoma was helping Tsumugi and Himiko set up chairs in the circle and Miu was toying with the tv, the reason why he could not figure out. Kokichi was nowhere to be seen, but once Shuichi was in the lounge Tsumugi flagged him down to sit next to her. Shuichi decided that Tsumugi was a nice person or at least nice enough to him when he has not done anything yet that warrants the treatment.

Everyone was in the lounge except for Kokichi and the counselor, who ended up showing up before Kokichi did. Shuichi looked at the counselor and felt himself swallow thickly, he was tall, lean and had an attractive face that was the perfect blend of masculine and feminine. His hair was an odd color of green and Shuichi observed with amusement how the counselor had so many piercings on his ear and rings on his fingers. Shuichi felt embarrassed thinking about how attractive the counselor was, so he tried to stop thinking about it. That failed terribly when he met the counselors gaze and felt himself retreat behind his hat bill.

This was an excruciatingly long day.

Then he spoke, “where is Oma?” and the counselor's voice was even attractive too, deep and soft in all the right ways and Shuichi had to really stop his thoughts.

“Present!” on cue with the voice, the kid entered the lounge, still wearing the clown mask and taking the empty seat that was between Ryoma and Himiko.

“So sorry, I was busy looking through my new roommate’s things, hope you don’t mind Shuichi,” Kokichi said, turning his head towards Shuichi and Shuichi could swear he was was winking under that mask.

“Can you spell, “invasion of privacy,”?” Miu blurted out, crossing her legs and arms, looking pointedly at Kokichi.

“Can _you_ spell, “virginial crybaby slut,”?” Kokichi bit back at her.

“Okay okay you two, let's not have a repeat of last week, we have a new member with us today so let's not scare him off,” Rantaro flashed a warm smile that melted Shuichi’s insides.

“So Shuichi, sense this is your first time at our group counseling session I’ll introduce myself, I’m Rantaro Amami, I’m a counselor just for this ward and I’m a libra,” he chuckled at the last part to himself and Shuichi felt himself smiling in amusement at that.

“We start off by usually talking things through and we get different perspectives and discussions going, this group is about maintaining a healthy support system, but sense you are new we’re going to go around and do brief introductions, full name, how you got here and something you like about yourself, also feel free to leave out how you got here if you’re not comfortable with that yet, everyone has their own pace, Tsumugi would you like to start?”

Tsumugi nodded and adjusted her glasses before folding her hands on top of her lap, “my name is Tsumugi Shirogane, my parents sent me here and I like my fashion choice, I think I have pretty good taste in it actually if I do say so myself,” she giggled, crossing her ankles over.

“Alright, thank you Tsumugi, anyone else want to go next?”

Himiko lifted a hand lazily, meanwhile Kokichi was vibration in his chair and waving his hands. Rantaro nodded to Himiko and Kokichi deflated dramatically into his chair with a big sigh.

“My name is Himiko Yumeno, my girlfriend Tenko brought me here and helped me through the processing, one thing I like about myself is that I’m pretty good at card tricks.”

“Thank you Himiko.”

Right after Himiko finished, Kokichi was back at his antics, except this time Miu was fighting for Rantaro’s attention, waving her arms in the air and puffing out her chest. With a small sigh, Rantaro called on Miu, who turned to Kokichi to make a nasty remark.

“My name is Miu Iruma, I’m basically a big deal, the police admitted me here after I socked my moms boyfriend in the face!” Miu paused to laugh at that, “oh and one thing I love about myself is my gorgeous bod, that’s all.”

The deep internal need to roll your eyes and be concerned crawled up into Shuichi and he never remembered being this sour in his life. Maybe it was the sleep deprivation? He was not sure.

Between Kokichi, Ryoma and Shuichi himself only one of them wanted to go next and it was the kid hopping in his seat wearing a clown mask.

“Go ahead Oma,” Rantaro gave him consent and Kokichi slid to balance sitting on the backrest of his chair giddly.

“My name is Kokichi Oma, I’m the leader of an occult, I love long walks on the beach and once a month me and my occultists have a seance that leads to someone being sacrificed to the purification fire!”

The room was quiet after that and there was a long pause before Rantaro shook his head and asked if Ryoma or Shuichi wanted to go next. Sighing, Shuichi offered to go first and Ryoma nodded at him in response. Shuichi took three deep breaths.

“My name is Shuichi Saihara, I admitted myself here last night on my own and one thing I like about myself is… my best friend,” after Shuichi said it he immediately went through deep regret, he could not think of one thing he liked about himself so he said the first thing that popped up and that was sadly his best friend Kaede.

Said best friend who did not know he was here, will probably know what happened to him soon and come find him to kill him in his sleep.

Rantaro smiled at him though and it calmed Shuichi down a notch, “thank you for that introduction Shuichi, Ryoma, if you will finish our introductions?”

Ryoma nodded, stretching his arms behind his head and leaning his head back against them, “I’m Ryoma Hoshi, I was sent here by the police, there is nothing to like about me anymore.”

After Ryoma’s brief introduction Shuichi wondered what has happened in his life, he seemed to be an odd enigma, but not as confusing as the one wearing a clown mask and sitting upside down in his seat now.

“So let's get into discussion, Shuichi you don’t need to join in sense this is your first time, but if you feel like it, feel free to. Anyways, who would want to start sharing?”

Himiko raised her hand while Miu blurted to go first, Rantaro chuckled and chastised Miu gently, telling her to raise her hand next time and gave Himiko the floor.

“S-so,” Himiko started, griping the seam of her skirt, “the other day Tenko visited me and she was telling me how strong I was and how… how I looked more healthier and happier and I appreciate it, but I still don’t feel happy, I wish I could see her more like I used to, and I’m grateful for her and this place, but I can’t help feeling miserable still.”

“Spending time away from a loved one is a painful price to pay being here and that is if they visit,” Ryoma added in and Shuichi felt his heart clench thinking of his parents, his uncle and Kaede. The situation was slowly hitting him.

“Plus when you get out of here you two lesbos can scissor eachother like crazy,” Miu said without an ounce of shame, Shuichi was not sure how to take her.

“I’m pretty sure you don’t know how sex works dumb whore,” Kokichi cackled behind his mask.

“D-dumb whore!?”

The look on Miu’s face was one Shuichi was also something he was not sure how to take. A part of him was convinced this was a dream. Himiko fisted her hands and shook them with a pout on her face.

“W-what Tenko and I do sexualy is none of your concern! Besides I feel like maybe I’ll always be a lost cause? I’m not sure, I just want to get better soon so I can see Tenko outside of here sooner.”

Shuichi opened his mouth, then closed it, took three breaths and opened his mouth again, “Then use that as motivation, I’m sure you're doing your best, that Tenko will be proud of you and it’ll be worth it,” he offered gently like a naive maiden giving an injured deer water. Pure and unadulterated.

A quirky grin appeared on Himiko’s face and she nodded a little more energetically than expected from such a tired girl. “Such the sentimentalist are we Shuichi? Never would've guessed, well at least you’re not boring,” Kokichi snickered.

Shuichi was confused, was Kokichi trying to start a fight with him or was he just teasing him? Sleep deprivation made things hard to tell, but Shuichi had a hunch that that was just Kokichi’s personality.

Shuichi looked away from Kokichi as Rantaro started talking to Himiko about the topic a little more in depth than what the group put it. It was oddly pleasant.

 

* * *

 

After counseling Shuichi was lying on his bed staring at the ceiling in his and Kokichi’s shared room. He was deciding whether or not he should call Kaede, she probably knew now at this point from his parents or was about to find out soon anyways. He decided that it would be in his best interest to call his best friend, maybe they can both laugh about it or something.

Shuichi dragged himself to the front desk area where he saw Himiko finish up on a phone call on the phone, she waved at Shuichi as a passing greeting, to which Shuichi returned. Shuichi looked over at the office where Kirumi was, she flashed him an encouraging smile.

He picked up the phone and pressed it to her ear, took three deep breaths and then punched in Kaede’s cell phone number. As the ringing strummed in his ear a part of Shuichi was regretting this. The more time he waited for something on the other line the more the dread built up. He was not worth all this trouble, maybe she should've just ended it at that bridge. He was so tired, physically and mentally, there was no point to any of this anymore, to him and what he was as a pathetic person.

Then the other line picked up and the sweet sound of Kaede rung in Shuichi’s ears, “y’ello?”

“Hey, it’s Shuichi…” He said, not so sure what he was supposed to go from there. Shuichi became entranced by the dried paint on the wall the telephone was mounted to.

“SHUICHI!” Kaede screeched, Shuichi recoiled and held the phone away from his ear as he heard static and crinkling.

“Sorry! Lol, I just dropped my phone- you are in SO MUCH TROUBLE MISTER!” Kaede started, “I didn’t get a snaphcat from you this morning and you weren’t answering my texts! I didn’t know what was up until noon! Are you okay? What’s it like there? You know I hear psych wards are the worst to their patients, cough once for yes and twice for no- are you being mistreated? I will take them to c-”  
“Kaede calm down please!” Shuichi urged desperately to get his best friend to calm down.

“Sorry, you know how I get when I worry, I have been playing piano tiles on my phone and I think I broke my fidget cube, your folks said I can visit though right?”  
“Yes, there are visiting hours, if you have a pen I’ll tell you them.”

“Gimmie a sec!”

Shuichi laughed as he heard Kaede scramble through her room, muttering about never being able to find a pen anywhere before giving up and deciding to write it on a memo in her phone instead. Shuichi told her the hours she can come visit, feeling his heart clench at the sound of Kaede’s enjoyment. He hated how he still had a crush on her, he knows it would never work out for certain reasons, they were just meant to be best friends and that was that.

“Alright, so tomorrow expect me to bug you at three or four, I want to hear about everything, but first,” Kaede paused for a moment and Shuichi can feel her tone shift before she said anything, “ please tell me what happened last night.”

Shuichi sighed, letting out one of the most tired sighs he could ever give in his entire life. He looked around and the slowly slid to the ground and sat against the wall with the phone to his ear. Kirumi was busy behind the desk in the office and the area was clear enough.

“It was my list, I just, I don’t know Kaede, I couldn’t sleep, my terrible terrible head kept telling me why I should even bother anymore. Thought I would feel better if I went for a walk, an hour later I ended up at that river by the pound. It just… was so overwhelming, everything, the depression, my mind, I thought it was a weird sign and the overwhelming feeling of disappearing just was too much… I’m even more shocked at myself for stopping somehow, it would have been so easy Kaede, it still feels so easy too, to just not be here anymore, I don't like knowing how this affects you or my parents to worry over me, just…”

Shuichi was finding it extremely hard to breathe he pressed his face into his knees as he felt his own tears stain into his jeans. He brought the receiver back to his mouth.

“I don’t even get why I’m here Kaede, but I’m glad you’re coming to see me tomorrow.”

He could head Kaede sniffling on the other end and Shuichi started feeling worse than he should now. His heart hurt more than physically possible.

“I’ll let you go, see you tomorrow,” Shuichi said.

“Wait Shuichi, I lo-”  
  
Shuichi reached up to hang up the phone, wiping at his eyes furiously, it hurt, physically and mentally. He tugged the bill of his hat further down and shuffled back to room 2B, stripping out of his clothes and climbing into bed without a care. There was only one truly peaceful and good thing about this world and that was sleep.

  
  
**Chapter One END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, thank you so much for reading, I will be getting the second chapter out as soon as possible, but I would love some feedback in the comments so I can hear from you guys, doesn't need to be an over analyzed critique of the first chapter, it can be something that you enjoyed or related to!  
> Tumblr: https://euphoriawriter.tumblr.com/
> 
> Suicide Hotline Phone Number: 1-800-273-8255


	2. "Jack-o-Zoom”

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re lying aren’t you?”
> 
> “No I’m really hurt Shuichi- Hey Miu are you taking notes? This is how you get rid of the virgin issue.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love Miu with all my heart
> 
> Brief couple of things, big thank you to those who left comments on the first chapter, especially Senpuu who had shared their experiences with mental health wards, it is super appreciated!
> 
> On the same page, I would like to make it very clear that this ward is a lot different than ones in the real world, I have never been in a mental ward before I get my information from friends, people that have actually been in mental health wards and from researching before hand! So do not take this ward I have fictionally made up and use it to think that every mental health ward is like this! 
> 
> Now, go forth and read my children.
> 
> (Ya'll keep calling my out for typos, but I have 0 energy to fix them, I only fix plot points and reconstructing sentences sorry)

Shuichi was disturbed from his sleep from the sound of a loud voice going through the room, he was not sure what it said or what was going on, but it was enough to drag him out of his unconsciousness. The first thing he saw was the wall he was curled towards, his back facing the cluttered chaos of Kokichi’s side of the room, it would be better if he avoided being a nuisance to one of the biggest nuisances in the ward. Turning over onto his back to look up at the ceiling he was caught off guard by a face hovering over him.

Wait no… It was not a face, it was another clown mask, this one was more disturbing than the one he saw yesterday. Getting caught off guard, Shuichi gasped and his eyes widened, freezing up in his bed.

“Morning Saihara! I almost thought you were dead last night! I was almost tempted to try and stab you with a fork to see if you were actually dead! Isn’t that crazy?” Kokichi’s voice rung in his ears, muffled behind the mask.

Shuichi sighed, bringing his hands up to rub at his face, it could be worse, his roommate could of been the type that went on murderous rages. From what Shuichi can evaluate, Kokichi was most likely harmless, he was a kid after all.

“Why’re you still wearing a mask?” Shuichi asked, voice rough from sleep and mouth dry.

“Oh! I’m glad you asked! So you see,” Shuichi watched as Kokichi backed off from his face to sit at the end of his bed. “I’m a wanted criminal, ever heard of the _Insane Clown Posse_? Their out looking for me because I stabbed their leader with a plate spinner, so the-”

“Okay okay, don’t _actually_ tell me then,” Shuichi interrupted, moving up to sit up, stretching his arms and legs out, hearing a satisfying pop as he did. He looked over to the clock on the wall, it was 7:05 am, wake up call must've been what had woke him up. Shuichi could not remember what he had dreamed about, he felt even more tired from just waking up.

“If you want to take a shower before breakfast you have to get towels down at the desk,” Kokichi said, sitting on the edge of his bed to swing his legs up in sweeping motions. “They don't let us have more than one towel because someone tied a bunch together and tried to hang themself, which is so mean! It’s not fair that one person can ruin the amount of towels everyone else gets!”

Shuichi rolled his eyes at Kokichi, a shower might help him wash the tiredness from his body. He grabbed his duffel bag from where he had placed it on the ground the other night and pulled on a pair of joggers and a shirt, trying to not think about Kokichi looking at him as he had just slept in nothing but his boxers last night. Without a word, Shuichi left the room to get a towel.

 

* * *

 

_ Water swirling, gurgling, leaving down into a dark dark place. He was back there, smelling the damp cold night air, the breeze chilled him, but also comforted. It would be so easy to just lean into the sway of his will and drop. Shuichi liked water, it was fascinating, comforting, a think bubbling substance. The sick fantasy of being consumed by the water and letting the velocity of the rushing current and his body dropping onto the rocks played in his head. It was a sick seduction, it was something that should not tempt him like a plate of cookies and a glass of milk. He was sick in the head, the only way to quell this sickness and causing people to worry over him would be to just die. _

_ He choked. _

 

* * *

 

Shuichi blinked out of the daze of his memory from the other night, it was like a fever dream of some sort. He had been in the middle of taking a shower when he had rested his head against the tile wall and looked down at the water disappearing down the drain. When was it going to stop?

He was not aware of how long he was in the shower, probably longer than necessary, Shuichi rushed the rest of his showering process to finish up before he held up the bathroom any longer than necessary. Drying his hair with the one he found mounted to the wall Shuichi was on autopilot. Once he was dried and had his clothes back on he exited the bathroom, spotting Kokichi leaned over his drawer with a red crayon in one hand drawing something on a piece of paper. Shuichi let an amused breath out at seeing the kid doing something childish.

Apparently that caught Kokichi’s attention, “ squeaky clean Saihara! You’ll definitely impress your girlfriend today when she visits~.”

Shuichi furrowed his eyebrows, he never told Kokichi or anyone about his phone conversation with Kaede, he was pretty sure no one was eavesdropping on him either except maybe Kirumi. Unless they tap into the phones here, which would make sense, Shuichi was under surveillance, but would the facility go that far? He looked over Kokichi steadily with puzzlement.

“...How did you know I was getting a visitor?” Shuichi said carefully, biting back the need to comment on how Kaede was his girlfriend, he had a feeling Kokichi was smarter than he appeared, a smart kid with intentions he was not sure of.

“I didn’t, I lied of course, I’m a liar you know,” Kokichi said flashing Shuichi a peace sign, “it’s simple deduction really, newbies get visitors the next day almost always and then people slowly stop visiting you and you become forgotten to the outside world!”

Shuichi blinked a couple of times at Kokichi’s words, he was not bothered by the last part and more of how he was able to deduce something like that simply through lying… Shuichi was tempted to analyze this kid.

“Of course obviously it's not your girlfriend, or is it?” Kokichi laughed.

Shuichi shook his head and walked over to his side of the room without a word, checking the time, he had fifthteen minutes until breakfast started, so he used that time to put the belongings he had in his bag away. He should of done it last night, but he was so wiped out that it was the last thing on his mind. After stowing away his clothes he found one of his notebooks, a mechanical pencil set and two of the books he remembered telling his father he was reading. They were detective novels, those were his favorite to read, mysteries and thriller books were the kind of genre’s he enjoyed to read, although he wouldn't be opposed to other types of books. Reading was something calming for him, he would have to ask his parents to send him more books or one of the staff members if there were books around the facility, he was pretty sure there was a bunch on a shelf in the lounge.

Kokichi had gone into the shower after Shuichi just finished putting his things away and leafing through one of his books. He took one of them with him, keeping it under his arm as he walked down to the cafeteria. Ryoma and him were the only ones in the cafeteria at the moment, so Shuichi decided he should sit at the same table as Ryoma, who nodded at him in acknowledgment when he approached the table. Shuichi felt a little off being here still, usually he was good at adjusting to new environments. He opened up the novel and used it as a distraction while he ate, slowly absorbing himself into the story in silence.

Shortly after he had finished eating he felt a firm pat on his back, “Hey good morning Shuichi!” he was greeted by Kaito’s voice. Shuichi finished the sentence he was reading before sliding the bookmark onto the page and looking up at Kaito. 

“Good morning,” he greeted back neuturally at the smiling man.

“Mind if I talk to you for a sec in the hallway?” Kaito asked, watching as Shuichi nervously looked back at his tray and where the tray return area is. “Don't worry it won't take too long, c’mon.”

Shuich left his book on the table and followed Kaito out into the hallway, he pulled out a clipboard and hummed an odd tune. “So usually our patients continue their previous medical treatment, we give out the meds during meals so we gotta discuss that.”  
“Wait, um…” Shuichi paused, a long list of questions flew through his head, “so does that mean I’ll be here, um… Longer than expected?”

Kaito raised an eyebrow at Shuichi, “expected being?”

Shuichi felt himself shrugging, “ I just… I guess I was doing alright, or something..”

Shuichi felt frustrated and embarrassed, he felt himself pulling the bill of his hat down to avoid Kaito’s gaze, feeling uncomfortable, “forget about it.”

“Well, depending on how long you're here, a few days, a week or a month we want to make sure we take care of you, so no need to stress over how long, who knows, you could be out of here in a couple of days! But for now you should continue to take your medication, you also don’t necessarily have to take it at meal time, you can also come by the office beforehand and take them, whatever works for you.”

Shuichi felt himself nodding as he worked at the anxiety knotting in him, “o-ok, I think I like the before option in the mornings.”  
“Good! Getting it done before you forget first thing in the morning is great!” Kaito checked off a few things on his clipboard and smiled at Shuichi, “I’ll let you go now, you can catch Kirumi before she hands out meds at the office if you want.”

“Alright, thank you Kaito.”

 

* * *

 

After Shuichi had gone down to the office to take the medication his provider had prescribed to him he quickly went back to the cafeteria. At the table Ryoma was still there, but Shuichi’s tray was gone and his book was still there.

“I put it away with mine, don’t worry,” Ryoma said, holding an old well worn book in his hands.

“Ah, thanks,” Shuichi said, returning to his spot and picking his book back up. He barely read a few paragraphs before the loud clamouring of Miu and Himiko joined him at the table, which confused Shuichi as to why they wanted to sit near him, he didn’t make that great of an impression did he?

“Shuichi, you’re a man right? Who’s tits would you wanna fondle more? My beautiful big rockin’ tits or tiny tit oompa loompa lesbo’s?” Miu asked him groping her own chest obscenely at him and Shuichi felt himself break into a nervous sweat.

Himiko opened her mouth to probably scold or chastise Miu, but before she could another familiar menacing voice chimed in, “who would want to fondle a skeevy pervert’s gross chest?” 

Kokichi had joined them, sitting next to Shuichi, closer than he would like, but it was not the most terrible thing in the world so he didn’t complain.

“You don't count  Cockichi!” Miu pointed at him across the table, “besides the real pervert is you! Why the fuck are you still wearin’ those masks for huh? Is it so you can peep at everyone like some virgin boy?”

Kokichi cackled from under his mask, “you  _ wish _ I was a virgin that way you wouldn't be the only one here.”

Miu deflated back, grabbing a lock of her hair, “I-I’m not a virgin, dont be s-so mean Cockichi,” a beat after she said it she sprung back up with energy. “Besides I bet you're hiding something! Take off that mask you gremlin!”

In a sudden woosh of movement, the table was pushed back and Miu laughed her hands out at Kokichi, who evaded Miu’s hands by sliding behind Shuichi. When Miu’s hands didn’t land on anything they went directly into Kokichi’s cereal bowl and made a mess everywhere. Shuichi fell out of his seat trying to keep his book from getting wet and tumbled back on the floor with Kokichi with a thud. He lost the grip on his book and it went flying back across the floor. Shuchi quickly scrambled off of Kokichi and looked over him.  
“Are you ok? I’m so sorry I did not mean to land on you, are you alright?” he panicked over the kid. Kokichi sat up, touching his mask on it’s cheeks.

“Owwieee you really hurt my Saihara! Kiss me better won't you?” Kokichi opened his arms out to Shuichi, as if expecting him to do so. Shuichi’s mouth flatlined as he looked at Kokichi.

“You’re lying aren’t you?”

“No I’m  _ really _ hurt Shuichi- Hey Miu are you taking notes? This is how you get rid of the virgin issue.”

There was a loud screech and an empty cup was thrown at Kokichi followed by pathetic mumbling from Miu. Shuichi was not so sure how he was going to adapt to this.

 

* * *

 

By the time 3 o’clock rolled around Shuichi was pacing in the hallway by the office, as if doing so will make Kaede come sooner. The rest of the day had gone by with minimal activity, counseling had been one on one and the two counselors had a rotating system depending on the day. Shuichi had talked to one of them for a good hour, replaying the events of his suicide attempt, but for the most part he was numb to it.

He was a mix of nerves and excitement to see Kaede, earlier he had called his dad to let him know how things were going and to come by with a few more books when he visited. They had talked about his uncle Goro, apparently he wanted to come visit Shuichi as soon as he was done with one of his freelance background investigations. It was something Shuichi at least was looking forward to. With how his conversation went with Kaede yesterday he wouldn’t blame her if she didn’t show up.

Shuichi stopped pacing when the girl he had seen yesterday with dark skin and white hair had came out from the office. She had a bright yellow lab coat and a warm comforting aura around her that Shuichi felt soothed by without needing to talk to her.

“You are Saihara, yes?” she asked, holding up a bright yellow clipboard that complimented her coat.

“Yes,” he replied.

“Well if you sign right here you can go see your visitor Saihara,” she handed him the clipboard.

Shuichi quickly wrote his name and time down before he had time to overthink it. The woman guided him to the doors, getting buzzed past the two set of doors he had entered the ward through. On the other side he recognized the set of round tables in the room that the director and Mrs. Amari had talked to him and his parent’s in. Shuichi’s eyes spotted Kaede sitting at one of them with her white backpack sitting in her lap and her phone out.

The woman, who’s name Shuichi still had not caught yet, gestured at Kaede and he nodded with a smile. Kaede looked up from her phone and with a crash of sounds her backpack hit the floor and her phone hit the table as she bolted out and rushed to smother Shuichi into a hug.

Shuichi laughed, returning the tight death grip she held on him as she proceeded to then knock his hat off and kiss the top of his head and then roughly mess up his hair. When she pulled back she had caught his face in her palms, her eyes were watery and red.

“I’m so glad your still here you big nerd,” she said and Shuichi felt his own eyes water over and spill without any resistance. His heart clenched hard and he grabbed Kaede in another hug, burying his face into her shoulder and silently sobbing.

Once they had calmed down enough Kaede and him sat back down at their table, Kaede was teasing Shuichi for getting tear stains on her sweater as Shuichi tried to comb through his hair with his hands.

“I was so worried, I mean I guess you could tell, but I looked into the ward you're in, it’s not so terrible as I thought, but what’s it like? Tell me about some of the other kiddos, I wanna hear everything, and don’t hold back on the details, I know you’re good at giving those!”

Shuichi chuckled and felt his heart swell at her words, Kaede’s voice and smile were truly a gift to be granted with and it made his chest throb. He hated having such emotions, if everyone could control how they felt this world would be much more easier to deal with.

“It’s fine, we have daily counseling, a lot of the staff and this one counselor are very nice…” Shuichi paused at remembering how attractive Rantarou was and felt his face flush over. 

“Oooh I know that look, spill spill,” Kaede said excitedly.

“Ah it’s nothing, it’s just the group counselor we had yesterday, he’s very attractive and nice and I know most counselors are nice, but it felt like he was just a very caring person is all..”

“Ooooh, do you know how old he is? Maybe you could get his number or something.”

“I-I doubt that…”

“No no no, it can be very easy, just say something like, “Um if I need someone to talk to can I have your number?”- He’ll totally fall head over heels for you if you do that, especially when you do that nervous thing where you cover your hand with your mouth- like that!”

Kaede pointed at his hand that had found it’s way to his mouth along with a heavier blush, hearing Kaede talk about him like that was too much for him, he really had it bad. Especially when his crush talked to him about his other possible crush, Shuichi never forms crushes quickly, but he feels like he might get one for the group counselor. 

“Enough of that, what about the other patients?” she asked, propping her head up with her hands.

“Well there’s these two girls, Tsumugi and Himiko, their nice to me for some reason, there's also this guy named Ryoma, he’s… very mature? Not in that way, but he’s alright.” Shuichi paused for a moment, contemplating what he would say about Kokichi and Miu.

“There’s also this other girl, Miu, she’s um… I’m not sure, she’s very… interesting.”

“Sweet Shuichi, never one to gossip or say anything bad about a soul,” Kaede teased him.

“Haha yeah… I also have a roommate, Kokichi…” Shuichi paused, not really sure where to start with him. Kaede waited patiently for him to collect something to say about Kokichi.

“He’s… well he’s  _ very _ interesting, I actually… well I don't know what his face looks like.”

When Kaede did not say anything Shuichi begrudgingly continued, “he’s been wearing these clown masks and I’m pretty sure he’s just a kid-”  
“Oh Kokichi is no child,” the staff member that was there piped up. Shuichi was not sure why he did not catch him when he had entered the visiting room. The man was big and… well big, long hair pulled back into a ponytail and glasses that perched on his chiseled face.

“Kokichi san is actually seventeen, Gonta tries to remember tiny details about everyone,” he said with a smile, like he was pleased with himself.

“That’s… Huh I could've sworn he was a kid, are you sure?” Shuichi asked.

The guy nodded furiously, “Gonta doesn’t lie, it’s unbecoming of him.”

Kaede and Shuichi turn back to each other a little weirded out, but they’ve been through weirder.

“Your roommate sounds…. Interesting,” Kaede flashed him an awkward smile, to which Shuichi supplied his own back.

“Oh I brought you some things! I know how your nerd brain will probably suffer if you don't have these,” Kaede shuffled through her backpack and took out a stack of novels that were held securely in place with a string of yarn.

Kaede turned to the staff member, “ is it alright for him to take these back with him? They got pre checked at the front already, there just a bunch of books.”

Gonta smiled and looked over at the stack of books, “of course! If the front entrance already checked them by then it should be fine!”

“Thank you!” Kaede smiled at him before turning to Shuichi a grin appearing on her face. Kaede leaned in to whisper into Shuichi’s ear.

“I slipped in an errotica incase you get  _ really _ bored,” she whispered softly, pulling back to waggle her eyebrows at Shuichi. His face flamed with embarrassment, his hands coming up over his mouth. Did Kaede  _ really _ just give him porn to read? What thought process did she go through to think he would want to read something like that?

“Here,” she took something else out of her backpack and handed it to him, “a book cover.”

“Kaede I don't really need…”

“It’s alright, it's a gift from me to you, so you better at least consider reading it!”

Kaede was using her stubborn tone which means Shuichi was going to end up caving into her will and let her give him errotica. Of which he will probably read out of guilt alone.

“Fine,” he sighed, slipping the book cover into his pocket, “I’m glad though that you got me books, I only had two and I’m on the last chapter and the ending is too… obvious.”

“Well hopefully you’ll love these books, I thought really hard about which ones you would drool over and checked on reviews and everything!”.

“You really don't have to do all of this for my Kaede, I’m…”

“I’m going to stop you right there,” Kaede butted in and placed a hand on Shuichi’s shoulders. “Shuichi Saihara you are my best friend and I love you so much, the thought of you not being in this world anymore makes me feel so lost. So I want you to fight and I want you to smile and cry and get better and I will support you, you are amazing and this world needs more people like you in it. So if I’m going to have to keep visiting you here until you are good enough to come home I will. I love you Shuichi.”

Shuichi felt the stream of tears trailing down his face, he was tired of crying, but this time he felt better about it.

 

* * *

 

Shuichi was shuffling through the books that he had received from Kaede when it six pm. He wanted to go through the rest of them and find a good hiding spot for the erotica, he was not sure he would live it down if Kokichi found that book. He was not going to be careless about it, especially knowing if Kokichi or if even Miu saw that he had something like  _ that _ then he would never hear the end of it.

Shuichi found the erotica and looked at the colorful cover, it was a fuchsia sunset glistening on a model's back and the title read… “Candle Wax,” Shuichi was not sure how Kaede got her hands on this book. Out of curiosity Shuichi looked at the back, finding no summary, but instead a list of reviews. So he opened the book up, not finding a summary her decided it couldn't hurt to read over the first chapter before heading to the cafeteria.

After the first five minutes of reading, Shuichi found himself absorbed into the book, too distracted to notice Kokichi slip into the room.

“Hey Saihara, what'cha reading?” Kokichi asked and immediately, Shuichi’s knee jerk reaction was to blurt, “Nothing!” and close the book.

Yeah that was  _ not _ suspicious at all. Shuichi’s face burned as he glanced at Kokichi and then looked away, he could not tell if Kokichi was going to say or do anything. It’s not like he had gotten to any sexual parts of the story yet, the first chapter was introducing the main character and putting down the setting. He slipped the book behind him and hopped Kokichi wouldn’t notice. Of course he noticed.

“Ooh secrets~ I love a good mystery, was it one of those gushy Twilight tween romances? I would have pegged you as a more serious reader Saihara~” Kokichi teased him, jumping onto his own bed and crouching on it like he was some weird  _ weird _ creature.

“Please spare my integrity, my friend picked these books out,” Shuichi responded, rustling around with the books, slipping in the erotica quickly so Kokichi couldn’t see. He stacked them on his drawer.

“If you have any integrity I think it would be wise to of left that at the front door, otherwise I’ll be glad to strip you of any that you have left Saihara kun,” he heard Kokichi’s voice lower at the end from behind his mask. Shuichi huffed and tried to ignore the blush that was simmering back up again. He needed to get ahold of his composure.

“I have a question for you Kokichi,” Shuichi said, glancing at the time momentarily.

“Shoot!”

“Why are you hiding your face from me?”

It was a bold assumption that Shuichi had developed after this morning, taking into account of Miu’s comment about the masks. Everyone here was not so surprised by Kokichi’s antics, but it did seem that Kokichi was wearing the clown masks on purpose and to Shuichi’s knowledge he started wearing them when he got here. There was not enough evidence to support the hypothesis he had just asked him, but it was worth a shot.

“Ooooh, does Saihara want to see my face  _ that _ badly?” Kokichi snickered and pushed his mask up a bit.

Shuichi rolled his eyes, “can I guess that you are actually hiding from me since you’re trying to deflect the question?”  
“Saihara you can feel free to think and guess whatever it is you want~”

“...I’m going to go then..”

Shuichi left the room, feeling frustrated by how Kokichi acted, but also a little satisfied in himself for somewhat holding his own in a conversation with his odd roommate, maybe he can adjust here.

 

* * *

 

After dinner Shuichi was sitting in the lounge with one of his books in his hands, he had taken to reading more often now and getting lost in these worlds. He had briefly gone back to his room to place the cover over the erotica book and stow it under his mattress, hoping that Kokichi did not already look through his books. 

He tried not to think about it as he managed to get almost half way through one of the new books Kaede had picked out for him. It was a fun novel about a race car driver murder mystery with a gay protagonist that was one of the pit stop workers that drooled over one of the racers. It was also a comedy too and there was a clever blend of sexuality and intelligent but morbid crime jokes. Shuichi caught himself quietly laughing at them, trying to keep himself from bursting out into laughter.

While in the middle of an interesting plot point, someone had stopped in front of him, to which Shuichi found a good pausing point to mark before looking up. It was the white haired woman again and Tsumugi was with her holding a box full of an assortment of things.

“Hello Saihara, we’re about to start an activity in the activities room, we would love if you joined us,” the woman said with a soft smile, “I also do not think I introduced myself, I’m Angie Yonaga, it’s great to have you here.”

“You should really come to activities, we got paint by numbers and Angie is a really amazing artist to watch work,” Tsumugi added, holding up the box.

“Sure, why not,” Shuichi said with a faint smile, closing his book and following the girls down to the activities room. Everyone was in the activities room except for Kokichi and Ryoma. Angie and Tsumugi passed out brushes, paints, cups, water and different sorts of paint by number sheets.

“Feel free to choose whatever one you want, I also have some canvas paper if you feel like letting your brush decide what to do,” Angie said, grabbing a remote and turning on the speaker system, playing a playlist of pop songs. Shuichi looked through the pile of paint by numbers, he was not much of an artist, but painting was something fun to do. He picked a paint by numbers piece of a deer, it seemed simple enough to him and the color palette was neutral warm colors. Shuichi preferred warm browns and beiges a lot, something about them was soothing to him.

As he got into painting it took him a moment to realize that over in the corner Miu was doing something completely different. She was messing with something that looked like a jumbled bits and pieces of garbage. Curious, Shuichi decided to hover over to Miu and take a seat next to her.

“What do you want virgin?” Miu asked as she continued to fidget with what Shuichi could make out were a pair of fake glasses.

“I was just curious to what you were doing,” Shuichi answered her.

Miu huffed and worked on her glasses a moment before glancing over at Shuichi as if making sure he was not joking almost.

“Well, this is just something I made, without needing to smuggle in tools, mind you, I’m almost  done with it, prepare to be amazing by the “Jack-o-Zoom”,” she said, lifting up the glasses for Shuichi to see. On the glasses there were two tiny lenses over both of the eye holes that reminded Shuichi of magnifying glasses from a sci fi movie. In front of each lense were these equally tiny boxes.

“What.. What does it do?” he asks cautiously, a little afraid of the answer.

“Well, you put them on like this,” Miu slipped the glasses over Shuichi’s face, “focus on the magnifying glass, tunnel vision is preferred, but we all can’t force that on a whim.”

Shuichi did as Miu said, focusing on the magnifying glass, which just made him look straight ahead to look into, so simple enough. Miu moved to attach two connected wires on each side of the frame of the glasses. The wires led into a small push button like device, the button on it looked familiar to a tv power button.

“Now when I press this…” Miu clicked the button and the tiny dark boxes the magnifying glass was blowing up for him snapped open. For the second time today Shuichi get a knee jerk response of hitting his knee into the table and cursing softly as his face flooded with a blush. Shuichi heard Tsumugi ask if he was alright and Miu answered for him. Being magnified on the glass for him looked like a very detailed and graphic scene from an ecchi hentai manga of a naked girl getting double penetrated.

“Awesome isn't it?” Miu asked excitedly, bouncing in her chair as she clicked the button again and the image flipped to another obscene manga scene.

“I… I don't know what to say,” Shuichi replied, feeling uncomfortable with Miu showing him pornographic images in public.

“It’s not my best work, but ideally it’ll be great when I’m getting off, don't even need hands to use this baby either,” as Miu said this she put the button in her mouth and pressed down on it with her teeth, going through the reel.

“All of these are images of girls getting…”

“Well not  _ all _ of them, there’s also robot girls too!”

“Ok, I think I’m done looking.”

With his face still bright red, Shuichi took off the glasses and handed them back to Miu, despite her perverted intentions with the device, it seemed really well made and he was impressed that she made something like that.

“How did you even make that?” he found himself asking as Miu fiddled with the glasses.

“I had my lacky from my robotics club bring me the materials, I was getting stir crazy without my workshop and wanted to try something minimal as a challenge, but this only took me a day to make, boo,” as Miu explained Shuichi came onto the realization that Miu was some sort of crazy genius to make something like that in a day.

“It would've taken me faster if I had my tools, that's the major downside of this fuckin’ dump, they think everything is dangerous, they probably don't even trust us alone with paper without having a staff member ask us how we’re feeling.”

Shuichi was a little amused by Miu’s bitterness, she was not so bad to talk to he decided.

“Well for whatever it’s worth, I think it’s amazing you made something like this, it’s impressive,” Shuichi said with a smile.

Miu deflated, twirling a lock of her peach blonde hair in between her fingers, “r-really? You don’t have to say s-such embarrassing things like that Shuichi.”

Shuichi blinked, not sure where this side of her comes from, but it was… Oddly endearing. “Well I said it because I meant it so… Your welcome I guess?”

Suddenly Miu’s mood flipped back to how it usually was, loud and crude, “ahaha, I like you Shuichi! You recognize  _ true _ talent when you see it!”

Shuichi was sure he will never be able to fulling understand Miu either.

 

* * *

 

By the time Shuichi was done with the activity Angie had set up the ward was eerily quiet and dark. The windows in the lounge showed how dark it was getting, Shuichi could barely make out a sliver of the sun in the horizon, it was beautiful and enticing. He missed going on walks and the feeling of the wind caressing his face or his neighbor's dog yipping at him when he got home from school. It was normal to yearn for these things, he was just trying hard to not let the situation suffocate him at this point.

With the book tucked under his arm Shuichi headed back towards his room, he wondered what Kokichi and Ryoma were doing while everyone else was in the activity room. Ryoma seemed to be one used to solitude and prefered it that way, but Kokichi was one who was an agent of chaos. It was almost odd to think he did not want to be in the activity room arguing with Miu or messing with the other patients.

Sliding into room 2B, he looked around and spotted Kokichi passed out in his bed, face buried in the pillows and his clown mask pushed up off his face and resting on the top of his head. Shuichi noticed that the lamp on his drawer was left on, being considerate, Shuichi breached Kokichi’s side of the room, careful to move around the stacks of paper and books on the ground. He moved to click off the lamp when he felt a hand grab his wrist.

Looking over at the owner of said hand he saw a sliver of Kokichi’s eye peek at him from the pillow his face was buried in. His eye was dilated and glazed over with what Shuichi could identify as fatigue, even with all of that Shuichi could not help but notice how pretty the shade of purple his eye was.

In a weak and small voice Shuichi heard Kokichi speak to him, “mom… please leave the light on… I want it on tonight…”

Shuichi’s face flushed even brighter when he felt Kokichi’s hand slip into his and weave his fingers in between his and he watched Kokichi’s eye droop slowly closed.

“Please…”

Kokichi’s grip weakened and Shuichi was just barely holding Kokichi’s hand in his. Without a word, Shuichi place Kokichi’s hand down on his bed and backed away, slowly retreating to his side of the room. Kokichi Oma was going to be possibly on of the biggest mysteries in Shuichi’s life.

  
**Chapter Two END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I wanted to get this chapter out before I start diving into reality again, let me know what you think of this chapter in the comments. Might start only doing once a week updates so I can pace myself properly.  
> Tumblr: https://euphoriawriter.tumblr.com/
> 
>  
> 
> Suicide Hotline Phone Number: 1-800-273-8255


	3. The Courage to Be Selfish

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I think I’m going to be sick.”  
> “AHHH Shuichi chan is so mean! You’re going to make me want to die, how rude of you to say that when you first see my face!”
> 
> Also someone has an episode in this chapter!

The third day had washed over like it was nothing, Shuichi was feeling himself slipping into the repetitive way of living in the ward. His father had visited him on his lunch break to bring him the books he had asked for and shared the lunch he had made that morning. Shuichi almost wanted to cry and throw up when he had tasted his dad’s cooking.   
It had brought Shuichi back to when he was in school, his classmates always commented on his lunch, they had always thought his mother made the contents inside it. It was not like his mom was a terrible cook, she just hated cooking and prefered baking. Kaede would join him with something she had bought from the convenience store or the school cafeteria and barter with him for a bite, which almost always ended with him letting her have some. 

Or it would take him to when he was more of a middle school brat and refused to do something “girly”. His dad had took him into the kitchen and taught him how to cook, Shuichi remembered how his dad had told him that being a respectable person was not to make excuses to not try new things or put down things others enjoyed. It was not until later in high school that Shuichi realized that his father was trying to not call him out for being sexist, he never understood how his dad was one of the best people in the world.

The memories would make him hurt, physically making him almost feel sick and heavy. After his dad had visited him, Shuichi layed in bed, too frustrated at himself to let himself read or do anything. He had skipped lunch, one on one counseling was not for him that day either, he skipped past dinner too, wasting an entire day facing the wall in his room and hugging a pillow to his chest.

On the fourth day after waking up to the sound of the second wake up call did he stir, he held no appetite, but he needed to take the medication, Shuichi did not want to find out what will happen if he refused to take his medication. He found himself still staring at the wall after he had decided that he should probably get up. Shuichi found himself not paying attention to the sounds of Kokichi moving around and humming obnoxiously loud. It was not until he felt his shoulders being shaken and a voice speaking to him did he snap out of his trance.

“My dear Shuichi chan should get up! Mom made waffles!” Kokichi’s voice urged him.

With a slight groan slipping past Shuichi’s lips he finally moved to sit up, swinging his legs out of bed. The corner of his eye felt itchy so her rubbed at it with the pads of his fingertips, looking up at Kokichi.

He was expecting another clown mask, but instead for the first time Shuichi was staring at Kokichi Oma’s face. Blinking a couple of times to make sure he was not hallucinating or to make sure Kokichi was not wearing a hyper realistic mask. He took a moment to realize it was real when he saw Kokichi’s lips crack up into a mischievous smile.

“What’s the matter Shuichi? Cat got your tongue?” 

Shuichi swallowed hard, feeling a wave of heat fash over his face and his stomach churn. He grabbed his sides for a brief moment and hunched over.

“I think I’m going to be sick.”  
“AHHH Shuichi chan is so mean! You’re going to make me want to die, how rude of you to say that when you first see my face!”  
Shuichi held his hand over his mouth, nervous tick in play, he grabbed a hat off of the top of his drawer and pulled it over his head. He hated how cute Kokichi’s face looked and how he totally called him out for staring. At least he had gotten Shuichi out of his depression trance, that was something he was grateful for at least. Kokichi had tugged Shuichi out of the room insisting that he had to try mom's waffles.

“Are you referring to someone’s actual mom or?” Shuichi asked as he stumbled to keep up with the tiny teen dragging him by his shirt sleeve down the hall.

“Mom is Tojo san! Keep up with the lingo Shuichi or else you’ll get left behind~!”

Shuichi managed to somewhat break away from Kokichi to head towards the office to get his medication beforehand. Kokichi let him go once Shuichi promised he’d sit next to him, not really sure why Kokichi wanted him to promise something like that.

On his way over to the office, Shuichi ran into Angie carrying the medication so he took a moment talking to her about the other days activity with the paint by colors as She handed him a tiny plastic cup with his dosage. Shuichi took the pills dry, welling up enough saliva and force to swallow them.

“We missed you yesterday in the activity room Shuichi, we were drawing portraits of each other! You should have seen Himiko’s piece, she had wonderfully drew Tsumugi’s face in such a cute cartoonish style!” Angie spoke excitedly with warmth and vibrancy.

“Sorry I missed it, I was getting into a really good book my dad brought me,” Shuichi lied, feeling his insides clench with disgust for lying to someone so wonderful of Angie about something so little.

“I know!” she chirped, “Kokichi kun said you were reading like crazy in your room! We were surprised when he even said he’d bring you food, he’s been making really great progress here, god must be smiling on him.”

Shuichi’s brows furrowed, why did Kokichi lie for him? Kokichi did not do any of that for him, what was he up to? Everything about this felt extremely off to him, the lying, the mask, Kokichi waking him up? What was going on inside his head?

“Well, I’m gonna go get some breakfast, thanks Angie,” Shuichi dismissed himself, heading to the cafeteria with his head swirling trying to pick out the answers.

After he had gotten breakfast he spotted Kokichi waving him down at his table, he supposed he shouldn’t break his promises, Shuichi was not the type of person to break any promises and he was not going to start now. He sat down next to Kokichi, giving him a considerable amount of space, of which Kokichi made a point to minimize. Shuichi sighed, he was not sure what exactly Kokichi was trying to make a point of or what his intentions were with him. Usually Kokichi seemed to just stir up people, get a rise out of them, play word and probably mind games, Shuichi was not one hundred percent sure, he was still trying to figure him out.

Tsumugi joined them, smiling at Shuichi, “ good morning Shuichi, missed seeing you yesterday.”

“Ah yeah, sorry about that Tsumugi, the book I was  _ reading _ really sucked me in,” as Shuichi said this he glanced over to Kokichi who’s eye’s were already locked on his like he was observing, waiting. Kokichi gave him a curious head tilt and snickered.

“Shuichi chan was so immersed in his reading he barely paid attention to me, it  _ really _ hurt my feelings,” Shuichi watched something flicker and glint in Kokichi’s gaze before he looked back over at Tsumugi.

“You really like reading a lot, I was wondering if you ever read the Unfortunate Event series, those were my favorite series to read as a kid,” Tsumugi explained and a bit of nostalgia hit Shuichi when Tsumugi mentioned the book series.

“Yes actually, those were one of the book series I read that got me into reading mystery books,“ Shuichi recalled fondly.

Tsumugi and him carried on the conversation discussing the series and the books that Tsumugi had read that either Shuichi has either read before or skimmed through, he never had a list of books he wanted to read, if he was going to read it he would skim through the pages a couple of times to see if it would catch his interests. During the conversation Shuichi could feel and catch Kokichi’s gaze on him, it did not make him feel uncomfortable, but instead more… Observed.

Kokichi also butting into the conversation a few times, complaining about wanting to be included or to make negative remarks on characters Tsumugi liked the most. Shuichi was sure she was going to snap at him at any moment, but instead she seemed too used to refraining from answering Kokichi. 

At some point there was the loud clamour of Miu and Himiko coming over to the table, the two were talking louder than usual and Shuichi could not make out what it was. Himiko floated next to Tsumugi and Miu sat in front of Kokichi with a sneer.

“Hey Poouichi,” Miu snapped her fingers at Shuichi, he looked over at her with a quizzical expression, “I, being amazing as I always am, made something for you sense you’re my new fanboy and I like to leave my fans satisfied~.”

Shuichi took a drink from his water, feeling nervous already from whatever Miu was rustling through her pockets for. Himiko shot Shuichi a confused look, to which he returned with a shrug as Tsumigi ate her waffles and Kokichi was observing from behind his glass of grape juice. Eventually Miu pulled out a fidget cube and quickly handed it over to Shuichi. He looked at the pink and black cube with confusion, it looked like a normal fidget cube but over all the buttons were lewd drawings in what seemed to be white gell pen.  
“Ah um… Thanks Miu,” Shuichi said, he felt like it would be too rude to refuse the gift or point out that he already had one of his own. 

“I suggest using it when you’re alone, you don’t know what weird thing she’s done to it…” Tsumugi said, side glancing over to Miu with distrust and suspicion.

“What? It’s just a bunch of recordings of my beautiful voice, it’ll really help ya when you're jerking your meat shtick,” Miu laughed loudly, slamming her hand  against the table with so much force that the sound pierced Shuichi’s eardrums and made him jump.

Then all of sudden so many things happened all at once and Shuichi could barely make heads of it, but there were utensils and a cup being thrown as well as spitting and swearing. It was like witnessing a tiny whirlwind come through, Shuich was distracted by hearing Himiko yelp and the sound of footsteps running into the cafeteria after Kirumi yelled for someone and approached the table. Shuichi ended up getting knocked out of the way as the big staff member from when Kaede had visited came in and grabbed Oma while Kirumi was hastily dragging Miu out of the cafeteria.

Shuichi pushed himself out of the way, not so sure where to look, Himiko and Tsumugi were huddled at the table still and Miu was crying and repeating, “I’m sorry, I forgot, I forgot.” When Shuichi’s eyes had looked over at Kokichi he was thrashing against the man holding him back with his arms under Kokichi’s. It was like watching an animal the way that he was thrashing and trying to get out of the man’s grip. There was angry streaks streaming down Kokichi’s face as he was yelling loud and furiously.

“DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!”

That was the most coherent sentence Shuichi could hear from Kokichi, the rest was garbled and started to fade as the man made his way with Kokichi out of the cafeteria. It took Shuichi a moment to realize that he was shaking, he hadn’t seen anything so randomly violent in his life, besides action films, but those were warranted. This felt like something else had happened, something he knew nothing about and had no where to begin to figure out.

 

* * *

 

After the breakfast incident Himiko and Tsumugi invited Shuichi to play a card game with them in the lounge. Apparently both the girls only knew how to play egyptian ratscrew and go fish, they settled for go fish. It was a tiny bit of normalcy for the moment, the tension in the ward felt ridiculously high after breakfast, Shuichi was not sure where Kokichi was and apparently according to Tsumigi Miu was holed up in her room.

They were all playing to ease their nerves and Shuichi could tell, Himiko seemed a little more tired and jumpy, Tsumugi looked… Well composed. In the middle of their game Ryoma walked into the lounge and took a seat next to them.

“I heard what happened this morning from Kirumi, that sure didn’t take long for  _ that _ to happen again,” Ryoma said as he pulled out a book from his jacket pocket. It was a small copy of, “Of Mice and Men,” his fingers felt over the well worn pages and binding as he lazily looked over the cover of the book.

Tsumugi sighed at Ryoma’s words and Himiko just nodded, Shuichi caught himself looking over at Ryoma, hoping he’d say a little more. He felt like he was being left in the dark about something.

“It happens every once in awhile, a lot of kids are here for multiple reasons, it’s a well established facility and usually rich kids like Tsumugi and Himiko are here,” Ryoma said, looking up over at Shuichi,“ or there's kids like Miu, me and I think Kokichi, we get sent here specially from the police, in most cases you get sent to a shittier ward, unless your lawyer gets you admitted here.”

Shuichi nodded, wondering where Ryoma was going with this. “We’re not exactly one hundred percent sure on Kokichi’s case, he’s untrustworthy, we’re not sure what goes through his head, but when things are getting better for him something  _ happens _ . I’m not going to discredit his credibility for being here, but I do question his self destructive behavior, unless he’s a lost cause like me.”

Shuichi nodded and Tsumugi cleared her throat, her gaze looking over at Ryoma and Shuichi. “I mean… I don’t want to completely agree, but it just seems to be like this for Kokichi, the best way to deal with it is to not let it bother you too badly, eventually you’ll leave and go on to live a better life, that's all we can hope for ourselves, there’s no way we can control how one another heals in here.”

Ryoma nods and Shuichi felt himself wanting to argue with Tsumugi’s words, he felt something tug at his heart. It was something he felt silly for thinking or feeling, he decided to let it go for now, there seemed to be no point to it here.

 

* * *

 

After lunch and one on one counseling had gone on Shuichi was called for a visitor. He was not so sure who was visiting him, his best guess was Kaede. His guess must have been a good one, because that’s who he saw in the visitor's room smiling brightly and pulling him into a watermelon scented hug.

Kaede had brought two sugar cookies from the bakery down the road, Shuichi split one with her due to his loss of appetite and not wanting to let her efforts go to waste for him. He listened to Kaede catch him up on trivial things outside of the ward. Shuichi was doing his best to listen and not let his thoughts about today's events make this visit turn bad.

“Shuichiiiii, you know I know what that look means, did something happen?” Kaede paused, taking a bite of her sugar cookie while staring him down for an answer. He knew she’d get it out of him one way or another.

Shuichi ran through what had happened that morning with Kokichi’s breakdown and how after the other patients told him to just get used to it and to basically not care about anyone but yourself. His arms were crossed when he was done explaining, biting his lip he looked over to the side.

“I really don’t agree with that way of thinking, logically yes I should care about trying to get better in here and cooperate with the facility so I can eventually go home and try to continue to live as normally as I can, but…”

“But you also know that there’s more to it than that when it comes to your own truth,” Kaede said, leaning over to bop Shuichi on the nose with her finger. “And you don’t want to admit it because it's something you want more than you need, but that’s okay Shuichi.”  
Kaede grabbed Shuichi’s hands in hers and smiled at him adoringly, “I know nothing bad can happen when you’re selfish Shuichi, because when you’re selfish it’s for someone else’s benefit than you’re own, and it’s super frustrating too, but I have a feeling what you want is something I’m already admiring you over.”

Shuichi felt his heart would burst, Kaede had this magnificent ability to make these warm speeches to him that always filled him with courage. She was amazing and he was glad that she was his best friend, because he honestly could never ask for anyone better. Their attention got redirected though when someone walked through the door to the ward. In all of his glory was Rantaro, he had a tired look on his face as he swept back his bangs and looked up to lay his eyes on Shuichi and Kaede.

“Oh hi there Shuichi, don’t mind me, how’re you doing?” Rantaro asked, voice slik and smooth like rolled water over rigid rocks.

“‘M fine,” he responded a little too quietly than expected, tugging at his hat bill.

“Oh,” Rantaro paused and looked at Kaede, “sorry miss, I did not mean to interrupt a romantic reunion.”

It was at that moment that Shuichi remembered that Kaede was still holding his hands. Kaede was the one to immediately let go of his hands and if they burned her and that was when Shuichi saw the look on her face bloom with interest at Rantaro.

“Oh you’re not interrupting anything really! I’m Kaede, Shuichi’s best friend and partner in crime,” Kaede said in that  _ one _ tone of enthusiasm that Shuichi knew where Kaede was going with this.

Rantaro wore a look of pure amusement and chuckled, taking a seat  across from them at their table, “it’s nice to meet you Kaede, I’m Rantaro Amami, I’m the group counselor for the youth ward, sometimes you’ll see me here on emergency calls like today.”

“Oh so you saw Kokichi…” Shuichi paused after saying the words out loud, he was not sure if he should be butting in where he should not be. He was not like any amazing protagonist in any novel or work of fiction so it wouldn’t make sense to…

That was when Kaede punched him in his arm, he looked over at her briefly, “I believe in you,” she said bluntly with a smile and a thumbs up, of course she knew he was holding back, she could read him like the back of her hand. Shuichi glanced back over at Rantaro, he had a patient yet slightly confused look on his face after observing the interaction.

“Is um… Is Kokichi alright…?” Shuichi uttered and before Rantaro could reply he spoke again quickly, “ I also know as a counselor you can’t disclose anything to me legally, so I guess I’m asking you as a person more than… more than someone who works with patients like us.”

Rantaro blinked at him, his face looked a little shocked before it broke out into a small crooked smile. He looked even more handsome with that smile on his lips.

“I get it, you’re worried about Kokichi, it was your first time seeing him have an episode like that, it can get pretty scary. He’s doing better, he demanded a hello kitty band aid where the relaxants had to be given to him.”

“Relaxants?” Shuichi asked, brows furrowed.

“Sorry I just don't like using the term sedatives, a lot of the other kids know by now from group therapy sessions, he doesn’t really tell much and we had to fight hard to get him to share with the group, but let's just say… He relives very traumatic events in the past, do you understand what I’m saying Shuichi?”

Shuichi felt himself nodding, connecting the puzzle pieces slowly on the masterpiece that was Kokichi Oma. It had made much more sense to some of his behavior if it was what he thought it was.

“I’m not legally allowed to tell you much, but I am concerned about him getting set off again, did anyone else tell you about what can… Trigger the events he has witnessed?”

Shuichi shook his head, “no, to be honest they just told me to not let it bother me, which is… Something I feel like I should not do, but no one told me that Kokichi can get… set off.”

Rantaro nodded, “ well just be careful not to make any loud noises or slam things around, Kokichi is under overnight surveillance for now, but sense you share a room with him you’ll be seeing him tomorrow and he might be a little… Fragile.”

For some reason Shuichi could not imagine someone like Kokichi being fragile, but he decided he should take the counselors word for it. With that, Rantaro got up from his spot.

“I wish I could talk more, but I have a meeting to go to, you two kids play nice now, I’ll see you for the group counseling tomorrow Shuichi,” and with an idle wave, Rantaro slipped out of the visitor's room, leaving Shuichi a  _ lot _ to think about.

“I know you’re concerned about Kokichi and everything, but can we  _ please _ take a brief moment to appreciate how hot your group counselor is.”

“I-I told you he was attractive.”

“Mhmm, you were right, then again Shuichi's tell no lies.”

 

* * *

 

Once Kaede had left and the visiting room was left with just Himiko and who Shuichi assumed was her girlfriend Tenko, Shuichi was buzzed back into the ward. Before he had passed by the office he heard Kirumi talking to Kaito in hushed voices. Carefully, Shuichi leaned against the wall and listened into the conversation, keeping his ears attentive and focused.

“I’m pretty sure that little shit is doing it on purpose at this point, even when we started circulating his files outside of the ward for extra security, it’s like he  _ knows _ when we’re about to discharge him before we tell him,” Kaito hissed, there was a slight rustling of papers being shuffled around.

“I know, but if he is doing it on purpose then there is probably good enough reason as to why, Kokichi is a special case and we just need more time to work through him with Rantaro,” Kirumi’s voice was well controlled and hung low as she spoke.

“Yeah, but soon he’s going to be eighteen and he’ll be sent to a different ward, a shittier ward that probably can’t afford to keep Rantaro as his counselor, the kids going to be lost cause and…”

“Kaito that won't happen and if it did it won't be your fault,” Kirumi said gently, pausing, there was a slight shuffling, “look at you, you’re so emotional, even to the most troublesome patient we have here, and I thought you said you hated him. What was it you called him? A “Mongrelling shit gremlin,” was it?”

Kaito laughed loudly at that, drawing out Kirumi’s bell chime of laughter along with it, clashing, yet warm. Just like most of the staff here in the ward, they were warm people that were here to help. But there was something worrisome to Shuichi about what Kaito said about Kokichi. Would it just get worse for him if he ended up sticking around until he was a legal adult? At times like these Shuichi wish he had a smartphone, the computers in the lounge room were strictly child locked, he could barely look up some of his more tamer mystery novel writers to check out the releases for his new book.

Kaede was right, Shuichi was a nerd.

That night Shuichi laid in his bed, too full of thoughts rolling through his head of Kokichi and his episodes, Himiko trying hard to get better at what Shuichi was not sure yet. Miu’s case he was unsure about, but he did know so far that she was talented, even if she applied herself inappropriately. He was not so sure about Tsumugi, she never really showed signs of distress, she seemed oddly content all the time to him. Ryoma was still shrouded with mystery too. Shuichi decided he was going to take Kaede’s advice and get into acting a little more selfishly.

  
**Chapter Three END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I'm a pretty impatient writer when it comes to waiting to update, so here's the next chapter! Please leave some feedback in the comments, what you thought about the chapter and I'll see you in the next chapter!  
> Tumblr: https://euphoriawriter.tumblr.com/
> 
> Suicide Hotline Phone Number: 1-800-273-8255


	4. Lets Stop Wearing Hats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why’re you sorry for Shuichi? There’s nothing to apologize for, unless…”   
> Kokichi trailed off and all of a sudden, like flickering on a light switch, Kokichi’s head straightened up with his body and one of the slyest grins appeared on his face.
> 
> “Unless Shuichi chan is read to truly repent for his sins against the god of truth and purity!”
> 
> Who likes rollarcoasters?

The day after Kokichi’s episode Shuichi took the most scalding shower of his life, fiddled with his hair for what felt like hours and considered not pulling his cap on. He convinced himself he could put it on after breakfast, baby steps we’re necessary if he wanted to become stronger. His hat wearing habit was something he always remembers Kaede teasing and encouraging him to break, she knew the reasons why, but Kaede was always one to tell Shuichi he looked better without his hat. Because then people can see his pretty eyes, that was what she said in their earlier years of friendship, something that Shuichi used to hold onto like a lovestruck puppy, but now his heart only pounded a little harder as he took it as a genuine compliment from an important person in his life.

Before he could feel the dread roll in, Shuichi left his room and headed down to the office to take his medication. Kirumi was the one in charge of medication today, upon seeing her Shuichi remembered the conversation he had eavesdropped on last night. He felt the guilt well up in him, but he decided to swallow it down along with his pills.

“Um Shuichi, this might sound odd but..” Kirumi said to him as he tossed the cup away.

“Yes?”

“Your eyes…” Kirumi paused to look over his face before giving him a small smile, “I never noticed before, but your eyes are very attractive.”

Oh boy, Shuichi wished he had his hat now, but he urged himself to calm down as he felt his lips twitch and his face heat up. He tried really hard to not seem affected by the compliment, and was failing terribly.

“T-Thank you Kirumi,” Shuichi bowed awkwardly and practically sprinted away from the conversation. Oh this was going to take a lot of work to get his confidence inside himself, Kaede was not there after all to save his ass.

The cafeteria was already lively with Miu and Ryoma holding a conversation, which Shuichi thought was an odd pairing to see, but then again Miu was pretty extraverted as a person and was not that hard to talk to. Shuichi approached the table and sat down across from Miu and Ryoma.

“Good morning,” he greeted both of them.

Ryoma gave a nod and Miu turned to say something at Shuichi and froze like a computer error. She blinked for a moment before laughing.

“Hahahaha, Poouichi do you have a few screws knocked loose? You’re not wearing your hat!”  
  
“Yes and commenting on that is going to make me want to stop wearing it less,” Shuichi muttered to himself, but apparently Ryoma caught what he had said and laughed.

“Wait what did ya say?” Miu asked, looking a little lost.

“Just that you’re very observant is all Miu,” Shuichi covered up, flashing a glance to Ryoma who gave a slight smile.

“Well of course I am! I have many talents after all, I’m the whole deal after all, the brains, the tits and the beauty!”

“I don’t think that’s how the phrase goes, but alright,” Shuichi laughed.

The conversation morphed into what Miu and Ryoma were talking about earlier, which was apparently mechanics and trajectories of playing tennis. Shuichi joined in as a logical side of the conversation, pointing out a few reasons why it would not be wise for Ryoma to try and hit a tennis ball with his penis. Then thusly Miu got into the argument of making a special cover for Ryoma to slide onto his penis so he could play tennis with his dick… Shuichi was not sure where the conversation went in this direction, but then again it was Miu.

Shuichi had learned though that Ryoma used to be the star player of his school's tennis club, one of the best in the prefecture too. It was impressive, Shuichi briefly wondered if he was just surrounded by amazing students that excelled better with their hobbies than he did. Although Shuichi was not sure what his hobbies were, unless you counted binge reading mystery novels and guessing the plot line before finishing them.

Ryoma insisted though that that was who he used to be, to which Shuichi wondered what the hell had happened for Ryoma to act this way about himself. Soon Himiko and Tsumugi joined the cafeteria and Himiko wanted to practice some of her card tricks so she was shuffling a stack of cards in her hands. Shortly after those two had arrived Shuichi felt a pair of hands cover over his eyes and block out his vision.

“Guess who~!”

Shuichi knew that voice, if not for the mischievous tone then for the very distinct laugh he knew well enough by now.

“Morning Kokichi,” he replied simply, pretty proud of himself to keep composed and cool, or at least he thought he did.

“Aww, you’re supposed to do stupid banter and guess something dumb like “god”, although that would be right too, I am the deity of morality and truth,” Shuichi felt Kokichi’s hands remove themselves from his eyes and he slid into the empty spot next to him.

“Thats a lie though! The morality part, everyone knows I’m truly a deity of truth and purity,” he snickered to himself.

“More like the god of “pain in my ass,”,” Miu chortled between mouthfuls of oatmeal.

“Oh hi whore, didn’t see you there with your piggy mouth stuffed, you should be careful what you say to a god, I could get offended and cut off your pinky fingers,” Kokichi said simply like he was talking about the weather.

“A yakuza god? That sounds like an amazing plot to a new anime series,” Tsumugi brightened up at the thought, “it’d have to be an obscure anime, but everyone would love it!”

“Why would my anime character be a yakuza god? I’m the god of truth and purity, that means the yakuza would simply be my followers, naturally, I am a natural born leader after all, it’s my charismatic charm after all! Right Shuichi chan?”

Shuichi laughed and shook his head, “it’s sure  _ something _ .”

“Uhwauh! What does that mean!? That sounded so mean Shuichi chan! You better start praying for forgiveness or I’ll unleash my godly powers of slicing pinkies and laundering money from small companies upon you! I will take your pinkies and make your small company go broke!”

Shuichi couldn’t help it, he bursted out laughing loudly, he had to cover his face in his hands, shoulders shaking. It had been a really long time since he had his funny bone tickled like this and he was not completely sure why, but it had opened the floodgates. While he was trying to calm down from laughing everyone else had gone into separate conversations, Shuichi wiped the moisture that had gathered at the corner of his eyes and looked over at Kokichi, surprised to find him looking at Shuichi was a blank and serious face, but his cheeks were tinted pink with a blush.

Shuichi was then reminded of his conversation with Rantaro yesterday about how Kokichi would be fragile, something Shuichi was still not so sure about, but the look in Kokichi’s eyes was one that kind of looked… Bashful? It was hard to explain, but it was a look that Shuichi knew was tender. Then he remembered that he shouldn’t be so loud around him, he had already messed up and probably sent Kokichi into another episode.

“S-sorry,” he blurted immediately, Kokichi blinked at him and tilted his head in an almost robotic way.

“Why’re you sorry for Shuichi? There’s nothing to apologize for, unless…”   
Kokichi trailed off and all of a sudden, like flickering on a light switch, Kokichi’s head straightened up with his body and one of the slyest grins appeared on his face.

“Unless Shuichi chan is read to truly repent for his sins against the god of truth and purity!”

Shuichi snorted, he hoped though that Kokichi was feeling better from yesterday.

 

* * *

 

The day rolled by nicely so far without incident, lunch was more lively than breakfast was, it was nice to see everyone acting somewhat normally. Shuichi had swiped his hat from his room, felt less anxious than he did that morning.Kokichi had taken up the roll of hanging around Shuichi during his free time after breakfast, insisting he was going to help him read. His version of that was to sit very close to him in the lounge and actively read over his shoulder and make remarks on the characters.

Around lunch there was a moment where Kokichi kept insisting that Himiko took one of Miu’s project blueprints. This started an unnecessary tuttle in the group of patients and Shuichi had to help Miu look through the lounge until they had found the blueprints stuffed under the cushions. Shuichi found the drama unnecessary, but Kokichi seemed to enjoy it, but Shuichi could tell it was not in an ill mannered way.

The group counselling session was starting to begin, Shuichi and Himiko helped pull up chairs in the lounge while Miu filed her nails. Tsumugi was nowhere to be seen and neither was Ryoma, Kokichi insisted he was helping by supervising, which consisted of him telling Himiko that she chairs we’re properly being placed.

Things settled down more properly when Rantaro came in with Tsumugi and Ryoma tailing them from behind. Kokichi sat down in the seat across from Rantaro and had insisted that Shuichi sit down next to him, which he consented to for the sake of a lot of things. Mainly not to be inconvenient. Miu sat on the other side of Shuichi and he really wished she didn’t incase she and Kokichi started another fight that he really wished to not be in the middle of.

Rantaro held up a clipboard and wrote something down on the papers he had clipped in, Shuichi noticed he had brought a small box of clipboards with paper already clipped into them and a roll of pencils with a rubberband keeping them together.

“Before we start today I want to pass these out,” Rantaro said, handing the box to Tsumugi, “everyone take a clipboard and a pencil, we’re going to do a little activity.”

The box was passed around the circle, Shuichi retrieved his own clipboard and pencil and waited tentatively. 

“Everyone have a pencil and a clipboard with a blank sheet of paper?” Rantaro asked, getting silent nods and “yes”’s.

“Alright, so before we get into it, Tsumugi has some news, if she would like to share?” Rantaro asked, looking over to Tsumugi for an answer. Tsumugi smiled happily and clasped her hands together in front of her chest.

“I would be glad to, I will be going back into custody of my parent’s two days from now,” Tsumugi announced.

“Hooray, Tsumugi chan gets to leave,” Himiko said with a genuine cheer to her voice, which was something hard to make out, but she made up for it by giving a small smile.

“Congratulations,”  Shuichi said and Tsumugi’s smile grew better.

“Thank you guys, it feels great to be the next one to taste freedom again,” Tsumugi said a little too dramatically, but it was endearing.

“Now that Tsumugi is leaving that means Ryoma’s the new old hag of the ward,” Kokichi said with a snicker, earning a glare from Ryoma.

“Because Tsumugi is being discharged from the ward, I think it would be a healthy activity to write down ten things you all want to do when you get discharged from the ward, I’ll even make a list myself of things I still want to do outside.” Rantaro explains.

“Um, what if you can’t get to ten?” Himiko asks.

“That’s alright, I want you all to share at least three or one from your list, so if you do not make ten that’s fine.”

With that everyone was busy looking at their clipboards. Shuichi was not so sure where to start on his own list, so he decided to title the blank piece of paper and number it. There were a lot of things he wanted to do when he got out of the ward, but a lot of them seemed to be too hard to explain or too specific and obscured. A brief thought in the back of his mind told him he wanted to go back to that bridge and Shuichi had to will it away to think of something better.

To him that was Kaede, Kaede and her warm smile, gentle touches and encouragement. Or when she punched him in the arm and scolded him when he was feeling less confident, but in the way that Shuichi felt good about someone caring about him enough to get mad when he got down on himself  or got discouraged. He had always returned the encouragement, but more in his silent but supportive way, going to her piano recitals and listening to her play over the phone when she insists she was not playing the piece right and needed his opinion. That was something he missed a lot, the sound of Kaede playing the piano for him or in general, she had played Claire de lune by Claude Debussy for him when he was anxious or having a breakdown.

Without needing to give it much thought Shuichi wrote down, “Listening to Kaede play Clair de lune,” and on the second marker he put down, “going to Kaede’s piano recitals.” From there he started listing things like, “cooking dinner with my father,” and “hanging out with uncle Goro.” The majority of his list seemed to be things he wanted to do with the people in his life he could not see so often anymore. He missed them terribly. On the eighth marker he had put down, “graduate high school,” thinking it was something for he wanted, which it was, but it did not sound right. What was something Shuichi wanted that was just for himself, something purely selfish.

The next few thoughts were things that were too material for his liking, he needed to think of something he wanted deep down. He waded through the junk of thoughts he was having until he thought about having a lover and felt his face heat up. Of course he would want something like that, he was romantically attracted to people as well as sexually too, not to mention he’s still sixteen so it’s normal for a teenager his age to want a boyfriend or a girlfriend. Or to want someone like that in general. Shuichi thought about what he would want to do if he had someone like that, most of his thoughts diverged into thinking about holding their hand, reading books together, going on walks and sharing kisses during Christmas when the snow had fallen so perfectly on their face. 

Shuichi felt a little lost in a daze of embarrassment and getting flustered from thinking about that so freely while surrounded by other people. He decided to scrap the idea of putting down that he wanted a lover, that might seem too desperate or give too much information and make everyone uncomfortable. Shuichi wrote something about a lower to the side of his paper where he hoped no one would notice. 

Shuichi settled for writing down meeting the author of his favorite detective novel series, going to his favorite cafe and petting his neighbor's dog. When he was finishing up writing Rantaro asked around if everyone was done or had something to share, to which everyone replied with a yes or an agreeing noise on Miu and Ryoma’s part.

Tsumugi went first, sharing that the first thing she wanted to do was to catch up on an anime series that was still airing when she was admitted to the ward, which everyone chuckled over. Then Tsumugi went into how she wanted to see her dog and invite her friends over for tea. The things Tsumugi wanted to do seemed so simple and normal, maybe that was just something a lot of them wanted.

Himiko stuttered over wanting to go on a date with Tenko, show her friends and Tenko a new card trick she had made up and to eat a proper meal with her family and Tenko. Ryoma decidedly went next and only shared that he wanted to see if his cat was still alive, to which Himiko tried to reassure him that his cat was still alive depending on how many lives she had left. 

Shuichi decided to share next, he was a little nervous at first, but he had picked out the three he wanted to share. He mentioned wanting to cook dinner with his father, that was something he did not feel ashamed or timid about sharing, he was pretty proud of his parents after all. Next he briefly mentioned going to the cafe he liked going to, mainly because it was quiet and the staff didn’t mind him reading for hours there in the summer. When he came up to the third thing, Shuichi paused. It felt oddly suffocating in the room and he looked over the first thing he had written down on his list. It hurt too much too quickly, he was thinking about everything too suddenly. 

The anxiety and depression, Kaede pressing his head to the tops of her thighs, telling him to just listen as she played on the piano in her parent’s livingroom. He remembered when she had done the same thing over and over again to him and when he had confessed to her and she had told him to sit with her while she played that same song, talking to him while she cried and played over the keys with such elegance and fragile grace like the wings of a hummingbird or the neck of a baby. So wide, full and crushingly beautiful, he remembered hating every song that had even a seconds worth of a piano playing in it and when he had heard her play again it was like something that had broken him and put him back together, but filled him with something he was not realizing was there.

He did not want to remember something so pathetic, it came out of nowhere and rushed him into panic. Everyone was staring at him, he could feel it, it was prying, too much for him to handle, it was just like the looks he remembered seeing as a kid, the ones full of disappointment and judgement. Eyes and stares that reminded him of broken christmas lights, once colorful, but dull and sharp around the edges.

Shuichi realized he was having an episode of sorts, he had swallowed thickly and willed the sound of Clair de Lune to fill his ears as he somewhat made a weak response that that was all he wanted to share. Apparently it worked well enough, Miu went on to talk about what she looked forward to. Shuichi tried hard to pay attention, but he was too transfixed on trying to calm down. He let her words drown out in his ears until he felt himself starting to calm down.

Tuned in again, but still feeling weak, Shuichi caught the end of what Kokichi was sharing the last of his list. Shuichi felt bad for not hearing the rest, but from the reaction of everyone else he made an educated guess that Kokichi had made up something ridiculous to share. Rantaro rolled through what his top three was and while he did Shuichi took a moment to get a better grip on himself.

“Alright, now that we’re done with that activity, let's move onto the discussions, who would want to start us off?” Rantaro concluded as everyone passed the clipboards back into the box along with the pencils.

Today seemed a little different, no one seemed to want to share, at this Rantaro sighed  deeply.

“You know it’s okay to talk in this group, about anything really, not even anything necessarily bad, it can be good too,” Rantaro said, poking for a reaction from the patients.

“Then what exactly is the point of this group counseling Doctor Amami?” Kokichi pipped up, leaning back in his chair without a care, “we’re here to talk about the bad stuff, it’s a bit insulting as a patient to hear the counselor say he wants to hear good things when your job is to listen to the bad parts.”

Rantaro sat up a little straighter and gave a passive look to Kokichi, “you  _ know _ that's not true Kokichi, would you like to start off then?”

“No thanks, my input on everyone’s discussion is more valuable, I’d rather not waste my breath.”

There was a long paused, Shuichi felt a chill go down to his finger tips, he did not expect to see Kokichi starting something with Rantaro. Shuichi had assumed that Rantaro was one of the only counselors that can deal with Kokichi seeing as he was here the other day after hs episode and the way Kaito and Kirumi talked about him the other day too… Shuichi caught Miu huffing and adjust in her seat, her head jeered up.

“Yeah and your input isn’t even helpful, you just sit in on all these discussions and never  _ share _ shit and when you do you lie, like it’s no wonder everyone here hates you,” Miu spat the comment out at Kokichi with venom.

“I’m not here to sit around in a circle and sing koom by yah, you all clearly have no interests in giving a shit about everyone else, Tsumugi is over there gloating about getting out of here and probably won't give a shit about anyone else in here, don’t act offended when I don’t feel like sharing in front of a bunch of hypocrites.”

Kokichi’s eyes glanced over at Tsumugi and then at Ryoma with a harsh cold look, to which Ryoma crossed his arms at and Tsumugi just adjusted her glasses, giving Kokichi a blank look.

“I think what Miu is trying to point out is that  some of us thinks it’s unfair that you share anything, while everyone else here has been sharing and all you do is stir up trouble and make rude remarks,” Tsumugi huffed, her arms crossing over her breasts as she gave a pointed look to Kokichi. “No one likes a slacker.”

“And what  _ I’m _ pointing out is that why should I say shit to a bunch of fucking idiots that pretend to like eachother- you know this is why I insist on not joining these group counseling sessions. Ryoma shot a man, Tsumugi set her closet on fire, Himiko starved herself into a slight coma, Miu almost stabbed her mom’s boyfriend and Shuichi almost committed suicide, and none of them give a shit, eventually they're all going back into the real world and most of them will relapse or be too drugged up to remember half of what they’ve done and live dishonest plastic lives.”

“Kokichi I think that is enough,” Rantaro said with the strictest tone Shuichi has ever heard him speak in. “We do these group sessions so we can open up and heal, you are making everyone very upset by disrespecting them, even if you believe they do not care you know that participation is the one way to help yourself.”

Kokichi got up and kicked over his chair, saying, “whatever,” bitterly and made a beeline for the left wing. Shuichi watched the transaction happen with a little bit of sadness, he did not know what kind of fit that was of where the verbal fight came from. Looking around at everyone else there was a mix of tired looks and a spark of frustration in Rantaro’s eyes. He sighed deeply and rubbed his forehead.

“Let’s just continue, ah.. Shuichi?” Rantaro’s eyes looked over the boy as he had raised his hand shyly.

Shuichi cleared his throat and ran a hand over the back of his neck,” I know this might seem unnecessary, but… I kind of agree with Kokichi.” There was a slight pause so Shuichi continued, “not in such harsh words, but um, I don’t think it was fair to to expect him to take this seriously when a lot of the patients actually don't care so much about each other. Not saying we should be best friends, but it begs the point of making it harder to open up when no one seems to care and well… I know some of you guys told me to only think of myself, but I’m not that kind of person.”

There was a tick of silence before Tsumugi chimed in, “ so you’re saying it may be wiser to care about others in the ward?”

“Well yes-”

“Even if it drags you down and does not help you in the slightest, you would rather care for someone else?”

“Tsumugi I don’t think that’s what Shuichi means,” Rantaro said, but Shuichi swooped right in.

“Yes,” he paused, “ I can’t speak for everyone, but I think it’s worth it, maybe I’m too empathetic or sympathetic, but I would feel better knowing I was there for someone and helped them, that’s what it means to actually care for someone.”

The tension paused and was sliced in two by the sound of Ryoma laughing in his seat, “ you know that may be the most selfless thing I’ve heard, not bad.”

Shuichi felt oddly calmed to hear someone like Ryoma say that and felt some courage slip into his veins, pumping into his system slowly. He was not sure why, but Shuichi felt a lot better talking that out.

“...Sorry Shuichi,” Tsumugi said briefly, but she did not seem to hold any sort of emotion to them, it was almost like she was not there. What Kokichi had said earlier about everyone went through his head, about Tsumugi setting her closet on fire, he was not sure he would ever know the real story with how well kept in Tsumugi seemed to be. But he hoped whatever issues she had about the topic she had attacked him on would get better instead of worse.

 

* * *

 

After counseling Shuichi went back to his room to see if Kokichi was there, he was not of course, there were so little amount of places one could hide, if he was hiding that is. Shuichi grabbed a book from his drawer and left his room, immediately bumping into Himiko out in the hallway.

“Oh Shuichi,” she said, looking up at him, “I was looking for you, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

Shuichi paused and wondered what Himiko had wanted to talk about, but he agreed and followed Himiko to the cafeteria. It was emptied out save for a few staff members working in the back with the shutters closed. Himiko took out a deck of cards and started shuffling them as they sat down at one of the empty tables.

“I want you to pick a card,” she said, holding out the deck for Shuichi to pick. Amused, Shuichi picked a card.

“Ok now I want you to squeeze that card as hard as you can for five minutes.”

Shuichi nodded and squeezed the card between his hands. As he did Himiko started talking while shuffling through her deck.

“I appreciate what you said during counseling,” she began, “I think Tsumugi lost trust in others a long time ago, but I do know that I want to actually care about everyone here too.”

“You’re still new here, but I do know that selfish thinking alone won't help you get better, maybe it did for Tsumugi, but I want to care too.”

Shuichi nodded as he kept the pressure on the card, he was not so sure as to how doing this was apart of the trick, but he believed in Himiko’s odd talent of doing card tricks by now. He had watched her practice a bunch of them on Tsumugi and some of the staff members, it seemed to be one of the things that made her happy.

“What Kokichi said was not entirely wrong either, incase you were wondering, Tenko had fought the doctors in the emergency wing to get me actual help, she even threatened to call the authorities and the director of the hospital, I had starved myself so badly that I was unconscious for five days. When I woke up a therapist talked to me and admitted me here under supervision and when I found out what Tenko did I was mad at first, really mad, I refused to talk to her when she visited and didn’t take her calls… I did not appreciate her enough, I was a bad girlfriend and I was convinced I was fine, but then… Then I started talking to Angie, she’s an amazing counselor to talk to when needed, she’s been helping me feel more at ease you know? And eventually I forgave Tenko and I’m doing better, we’re trying to work on my confidence with eating and...I’m really lucky to have them.”

As Himiko explained, she grabbed Shuichi’s hands and told him to shuffle them with her hand movements and to not let go of the card. While this was happening Shuichi absorbed what Himiko had told him and looked over her body. He did not really look or overly observed most of the patients, he thought Himiko was cute in the way that she was small and her hair cut framed her face nicely. She always wore long shirts and wrapped her sleeves around her fingers, she looked really thin all around, but Shuichi did not give it much thought considering how he will get thin from periods of losing his appetite from his depression. 

“I’m really glad you shared that with me and I can never imagine what you went through, but I’m glad Angie was there for you and that you see Tenko still, how did you two meet?” Shuichi asked to make polite conversation. 

“I met her at a my cousin’s school festival, she’s apart of her school’s aikido club and they were doing these really dangerous looking demonstrations, but Tenko was like, the star of her club or something, she really shined brightly, so my cousin introduced us and we’ve known eachother since, we didn’t start dating until way later, but you know she makes me really happy.”

As Himiko spoke there was a soft and timid smile on her face, she redirected the shuffling and had Shuichi hold his hands up, card was gone but there was an imprint of his card’s suit on his hand, eighth of spades. Himiko held the deck out to Shuichi and told him to draw until he found a card with a heart. He did so and when he did Himiko tapped the card with the deck and from it, like magic, the card he had picked in the beginning flew out from the heart card.

“Is this your card?” Himiko said with a bit of life to her voice, Shuichi laughed.

“Yes it is, how cool,” he smiled.

“Now if you look up,” Himiko pointed to the ceiling.

Shuichi craned his head back and looked up at the ceiling, getting caught off guard when he did so. The eighth of spades was stuck on the ceiling. 

“What the-”

“Maaaagiiic.”

“...Himiko how did you?”  
  
“Don’t tell the janitor.”

 

* * *

 

After dinner Shuichi cracked open one of his books in the lounge, only to find that his bookmark was replaced by a piece of folded notebook paper. Confused, he unfolded it and found a message inside it.

_**Meet me at the benches by the phone at 9:00 pm ;)** _

The message was written in pen and the ink was a bit smeared at the edges, Shuichi had a decent guess as to who wrote him the note. But he did not want to go ask them incase he scared the person off. For the next two hours he spent reading in the lounge with Ryoma in solitude. He kept time on the clock in the lounge, at some point Miu came by and messed with the tv, hooking it up to a weird device with an exposed memory chip that somehow fed and read into the tv as an old retro game Shuichi has never seen before. Miu hooked up a toggle stick to the device and played idly on the tv until Kirumi came by to scold her for messing with the technology in the ward again. Tsumugi came by to use the computers at some point, Shuichi was grateful she did not say anything to him, considering his nerves were still on edge from group counseling earlier.

By the time nine was about to roll in, Shuichi excused himself from the lounge and made his way to the phone by the office. The office was oddly emptied at this time and there were no one on the benches by the phone. He waited a few moments until he heard rustling and watched as someone launched over the threshold of the office window. Shuichi watched as the culprit, Kokichi landed on his back with a piece of paper tucked under his shirt and a grin on his face. He looked up at Shuichi and smiled.

“Good evening my dear Shuichi chan! I’m glad you got my note!”

Shuichi’s hypothesis was correct, Kokichi was the one who had left that note in his book. As he watched Kokichi scramble up from the floor, Shuichi looked around and wondered where the staff was.

“Angie doesn’t work on Sundays, Kirumi does last minute clean up, Kaito is probably giving a pep talk to Ryoma annnnd I told Gonta that Miu was feeling depressed, so he went to go counsel her,” Kokichi said out of the blue, dusting off his pants.

“I thought we should have a meeting, a secret one, like between lovers,” Kokichi placed a finger over his mouth and hushed softly.

Shuichi rolled his eyes, “so what did you want to talk about?”

Kokichi groaned and rocked back on his heels, “we can’t talk  _ here _ ! It’s gotta be  _ private _ !”

“Then why not just talk in our room?”  
“Because we can’t shut the door and besides, it would have ruined the mystery if I told you to meet me in our room, besides,” Kokichi paused and took out a ring of keys from his pockets, “ I got a better idea, c’mon.”

Kokichi gestured to the emergency staircase by the office and swung the keys around until he gripped one. WIthout a thought or a care he unlocked the door and stepped through, gesturing Shuichi to follow.

“C’mon Shuichi, you can say you were stopping me from leaving, better yet let's make this believable, come chase me!”

With that Kokichi disappeared up the stairs, Shuichi was about to yell after him, but he heard the sound of Kaito talking coming down the hall. Panicked, Shuichi walked behind the door and closed it shut quietly and rushed up the stairs. He swore if he got in trouble for this then Kokichi will have hell to pay. He stopped on one of the landings when he heard laughter above him, Shuichi looked up the stairwell and saw Kokichi leaned over the railing looking down at him.

“Neheheee, looks like the great detective Shuichi might lose his most wanted target~!” Kokichi giggled.

“What are yo-”

“It’s called role playing Shuichi! C’mon, play with me a little here, or it’ll get too boring.”

With that Kokichi’s face disappeared and  Shuichi was vaulting up the stairs after him.  
“Kokichi wait!”  
“Never! I won't let you catch me copper!” 

“I’m a detective not a cop!”  
“Then what we’re those flashy handcuffs for last night? Did you steal them just to use them on little ol’ me?”

Shuichi felt a hot flash of embarrassment scorch his cheeks, an equally embarrassing noise escaped his lips as his chest pounded from running. Kokichi was going to be the death of him. Stairs after stairs, Shuichi finally caught up to Kokichi by five stairs when the tiny guy had stopped to unlock the door to the roof.  
“Kokichi, what are you doing?” Shuichi asked a little breathless as Kokichi pressed the door open to the roof.

“I told you, we needed somewhere private to talk, the world's most wanted thief would only want to talk to a detective on his own rules ya know,” Kokichi winked and stepped out onto the roof. Shuichi followed suit, feeling something he hasn’t felt in a while since he had been at the ward, fresh air curling around his face, rustling his clothes and being able to see the large expanse of the neverending faded blue of the sky. It could consume him whole, swallow him whole in such a way that comforted him. The sky was spottled with streaky clouds that were stained by the sunset in the distance. Kokichi walked out into the middle of the roof and spread his arms wide, Shuichi propped the door with a brick just in case and joined Kokichi in the middle, taking in the lights of the buildings near and far, the roll of the hills in far distance, the smell of the air, crisp and cleaner than expected, maybe it was an exaggeration of his senses, but he didn’t care.

“So what was it you wanted to talk about?” Shuichi asked as he remembered the real reason he was on the roof of the hospital with Kokichi Oma. For a brief moment Shuichi thought the real reason was so that Kokichi can kill him, but he decided he shouldn’t get paranoid over the thought.

“This!” Kokichi grabbed the paper that was inside of his shirt and had taken it out and waved it briefly in front of Shuichi’s face so he can get a good look at it. It was his list of things he wanted to do when he got out of the ward, the same one he had made earlier that day. In the most briefest of moments of a mix of embarrassment and fear, Shuichi made the most desperate grab for his own paper in a way that Shuichi was sure was the most violent thing he had ever done in life.

“Nuh ah ah ah, non non, you don’t get to have this back, we get to go over this whoooole list! Now let’s see, number one, “Listening to Kaede play Clair de lune,” personally I like William Tell Overture’s Finale, it’s more iconic. Let’s see number twoooo, “going to Kaede’s piano recitals,” wow Shuichi is this your girlfriend or your crush?”

“K-Kokichi I do not see why this is necessary, can you please give me back my list?”

“No can do Shuichi, now I’m interested, let's see, number three, “cook with my father,” that’s so sweet Shuichi, hey wait a minute,” Kokichi paused and walked away from Shuichi’s line of sight so he could not see his face of where he was reading.

“No way! These are all really shitty things, so you are a pretty selfless person huh Shuichi?” Kokichi turned back to him with a seemingly blank and semi serious look on his face. It weirded Shuichi out a moment, but he ignored it to pluck his list back from Kokichi with a slight flush coloring his face.

“I-I wouldn’t really call it that, these are actually things that I want for myself when I get out of the ward.”

“We’ll we’re out of the ward now Shuichi,” Kokichi said and slowly advanced towards him, “tell me, can you do any of those things now? Now that you’re here, alone, with someone who is barely a stranger to you, on this roof.”

Shuichi backed up as Kokichi moved towards him, the tone in his voice made Shuichi feel wary and rethink his previous thought of Kokichi wanting to murder him up here.  
“What do you do when you get out of the ward and you’re stuck and have nothing?”

Kokichi was blank, he looked emotionless, but Shuichi caught the way his hands shook and swallowed hard, trying to keep himself composed.

“Then you look for new things then, if the list is null then the best thing to do is to experience and do the things you’ve never done before, find hope in it and rebuild your life.”  
“That sounds too easy Shuichi, are you sure that’s your answer?”  
“Yes, I know it does not sound so easy, nothing is actually easy.”  
“So you’re thinking of this realistically too?”  
“Of course.”

Kokichi backed off for a moment, gripping his chin in his hand in thought. Shuichi watched him, it was like Kokichi was deciding something, making up his mind on a topic only he knew inside of his head.

“You know Shuichi, you’re not boring at all, I think I may grow to hate you,” Kokichi said and Shuichi scoffed. “Of course that is a lie, on which part you’ll never know!”

He was back to grinning at Shuichi, folding his arms back behind his head. Shuichi sighed and shook his head before crumpling up the list in his hands.

  
**Chapter Four END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, I'm kinda going through hell right now so! Please leave some feedback in the comments, what did you think about the chapter and I'll see you next time!  
> Tumblr: https://euphoriawriter.tumblr.com/
> 
> Suicide Hotline Phone Number: 1-800-273-8255


	5. Smells like Teen Hormones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re really clingy to Shuichi Kokichi…” tsumugi said to him as if she had just subtly told another girl she was brave to be wearing the wrong color with her outfit.
> 
> “I am his roommate annnd he’s my nemesis, you know what they say, keep your friends close and your enemies closer!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys this chapter is going to be fun for ya'll.

When nine thirty rolled around and Kokichi and Shuichi were not in the facility they sent Gonta to look for them. Shuichi was oddly surprised to find out how one man can easily detain and cary Shuichi and Kokichi while vaulting down a set of stairs. The man was talent.

Kirumi went through the process of thoroughly scolding Kokichi and did not slack on doing the same to Shuichi, even though during the entire process Kokichi defended the fact that Shuichi was trying to bring him back to the ward. Shuichi did not back that up though, he honestly had no clue why he had even followed Kokichi up to the roof, probably out of curiosity or out of genuine fear of letting Kokichi get himself in bigger trouble if Shuichi was not there.

To which Shuichi can fully back up now that after his talk with Kokichi the boy clung to the fence lining the roof and told Shuichi, “hey if I jumped off the roof wouldn’t that be fucked up?” Which had started a panicked Shuichi to grab Kokichi off the fence and tell him to stop, to which Kokichi brushed it all off and said he was just lying. Shuichi swears this guy was going to kill him from stress.

After the scolding they were walked back to their room by Kaito, who pulled SHuichi to the side and told Kokichi to stay in the room. Kaito stepped away from the open door towards the end of the wall, speaking quietly.

“Did he blackmail you or something?” Kaito asked seriously.

“What, no,” Shuichi furrowed his eyebrows at Kaito, Kokichi was annoying at worst, but he wouldn’t do anything like that.

“Look I have to ask, he usually drives away all of his roommates before, your files got messed with and Gonta found you two on the roof…”

Shuichi gulped, he knew what Kaito was insinuating, “I know, but that was not the case, I don’t think he has it in him to try and do that kaito.”

“I need to make sure, I gotta make sure I have my eye on you two and I’m very concerned for you Shuichi.”

Shuichi bristled a little, he did not know why, but he felt frustrated and a little mad at Kaito. He was not sure why either, so Shuichi scoffed and folded his arms over his chest, giving Kaito a pointed look.

“Can I go back to my room now?” he said trying to keep from showing any intent of anger or frustration in his voice.

“Go ahead.”

Shuichi turned and headed into his room, letting out a deep sigh and took a moment to listen to Kaito’s footsteps leave the left wing before looking over at Kokichi. He was sitting on his bed, already changed into his pj’s and a robe, rocking back and forth on his bed. For a brief moment Shuichi thought to himself, “there’s no way this guy could try to do anything that malicious.” Walking over to his drawer, Shuichi got ready to settle down for bed, but while changing Kokichi started up conversation.

“Did Kaito gossip about me to you?” Kokichi asked, reaching over underneath his bed, producing a purple stress ball from it and started messing with the object.

Shuichi paused in the middle of taking off his shirt, “not really..” he said cautiously.

“Kaito’s a nosey bitch, he’s always up my grill and is overly sentimental, he’s kind of a moron.”

As Kokichi said this he began to toss the stress ball against the ceiling and catching it in his hands. Shuichi finished stripping so he can pull on his own pajamas, then an earlier thought about the day before Kokichi’s episode flashed through his mind.

“Hey, why did you cover for me when… you know?” Shuichi asked a little hesitantly, not sure what kind of answer he would get from Kokichi.

“Gotta be a lil more specific Shuichi.”

“When I didn’t come out of the room…” Shuichi paused, “you told everyone I was reading and that you brought me food? What was that all about?”

Kokichi shrugged and a slight grin appeared on his face, “it’s all apart of my great plan to make you fall in love with me.”

“Excuse me?”  
“It’s true! Once you owe me enough favors I’ll cash in and have you commit murder or something!”

“Ok you’re lying, besides why would I fall in love with you anyways?” Shuichi found himself teasing the boy who has been nothing but teasing and mischief ever since he’s met him.

“Because it was on your list,” Kokichi said bluntly, to which Shuichi felt a new wave of embarrassment.

“Y-You read that huh?”

“Of course I did, it was the least selfless thing  _ on _ your list and it was not even added  _ to _ your list, makes me think what kind of pervert Shuichi chan is to write, “a lover,” down,” as Kokichi said this he flipped onto his side and jutted his hip out, staring at Shuichi with the look only the devil could make.

“No- wait, no it’s  _ not _ like that! I swear!”

“Uh huh, you’re really digging your grave here Shuichi, you even sound like one of those timid perverts that hide their ecchi manga between their notebooks during class.”

“W-what kind of person does that?”

  
“People like you.”

  
“I don- look when I wrote that I was thinking about it in the terms of dating someone, not, not like _that_ , okay?”

Kokichi grew silent, Shuichi grabbed his toothbrush kit and headed to the bathroom, a little frustrated and flustered from the conversation. Shuichi focused on brushing his teeth and letting his head clear. His thoughts went to the recent book he was reading, he tried to build himself up to reading it.

Once he was done Kokichi was sitting on his own bed with a towel, tossing the stress ball at the side of the wall now and catching it. When he noticed Shuichi was done with the bathroom he hopped past him to use the shower. Shuichi paused a moment by his bed as he heard the water running in the bathroom. Out of curiosity and a bit of suspicion, Shuichi checked under his mattress where he had hidden the erotica. He let out a breath of relief when he found the book still covered and in the same spot. 

Plopping down on his bed, Shuichi leafed through a few pages, skimming over, just a little curious on the contents. It’s not like he didn’t trust Kaede’s tastes in books, she actually picked out writing that Shuichi actually enjoyed to read and the plot points weren’t mediocre. Still… He had never fully read an erotica before, he was only just sixteen, going on seventeen soon and getting his hands on something like this was new for him. Shuichi had to really wonder how Kaede got something like this, he half considered chucking the book out the window briefly.

Instead Shuichi ended up getting interested instead, he went back to where he was reading last time and continued. He hated to admit that he got invested in the dynamics of the characters the author had written so well, it was not fair that this was an erotica. If it was an adventure novel he would gladly read it anywhere at any time of the day, but it was not, it was still an erotica and it was something he should not be reading.

Without realising it, Shuichi had gotten a good chunk of reading in when he heard the shower turn off. With panic he shoved the book under the mattress after doing one of the most sinful things you could do to a book, dog eared the page to mark it. He would have to get a proper bookmark for next time. Next time? Yeah he was going to finish that book, the social constructs of the main character and her friend group and love interest was too diverse and hearty in nature to  _ not _ figure out what was going on in the book.

Even though Shuichi had hidden the book, there was still evidence where he did not expect it. His pants. 

Somehow his pants had tented and tightened uncomfortably without him noticing, it was an NRB. A No Reason Boner, although Shuichi would have to think it was from reading the book, but he had not read anything sexual in it yet! This was too unfair and he could hear Kokichi finishing up in the bathroom too. He felt himself sweat, quickly he adjusted his pants and immersed himself under his bed sheets, facing the wall and hoping to god that his nrb would calm tf down.

The one part about him that Shuichi would change physically and it was so things like this would not happen, and yes he did know that it was also probably from not being able to masturbate, but that was the last thing on his mind while he had a roommate in a mental ward after attempting suicide and his depression spiking up consistently. So there was more better things he was busy dealing with than a regular masturbatory schedule and yes that did end up with repercussions like the one trapped in his boxers.

“Night my dear Shuichi~” Kokichi cooed at him from his side of the room before turning off the lights.

There was nothing more that Shuichi wanted than to be able to control his body.

 

* * *

 

Shuichi thought that was the last he would see of his body acting up, but that’s the thing with being a hormonal teenage boy, you can’t choose what happens to your body physically. Pimples and blemishes Shuichi can handle, testosterone fueled anger he handled easily by a healthy amount of distancing and reading a dark novel, taking long walks or listening to music. Anything else he was so lost on and wondered if he was probably more of an alien than a man. 

When breakfast rolled in the next day he was in the middle of passively reading and conversing with Himiko while Kokichi was bugging Ryoma. Himiko was trying to get Shuichi to partake in another card trick, to which Shuichi said if he was going to he would want the trick to not possibly get either of them in trouble with the staff. Tsumugi apparently had already gotten breakfast early according to Himiko, who apparently was Tsumugi’s roommate in the right wing of the ward. Apparently they left Miu to herself and observed her strictly like they did with Ryoma sense there was not enough patients to room people with.

He had somehow moved the conversation into talking about Harry Potter with Himiko, it was apparently one of the few book series she was invested in, honestly Shuichi was not surprised. Miu had showed up in the cafeteria around then to get something to eat, she slid her tray down next to Shuichi, but before she sat down she paused, standing and gasping loudly like she had seen a ghost.

“AHAHAH! NO NEED TO SALUTE ME EARLY THIS MORNING SHUUICHI-Although I don’t blame you, I  _ am _ a huge turn on after all!” Miu cackled loudly and Shuichi had to take a moment to process what she was talking about until he followed her line of sight.

Oh god not  _ now _ .

Shuichi immediately snapped his book shut and used it to cover over his crotch, face so hot you could probably fry an egg on it. He was not a pervert, he had to keep reminding himself this otherwise he’d overthink things. Oh god he hoped Himiko did not think he got turned on from just talking to her or something equally ridiculous. 

He excused himself as efficiently as he can, ditching his spot and awkwardly striding out of the cafeteria, Miu was laughing loudly and Shuichi wished he could lock himself in an actual bathroom. It was like everyday there was some sort of new thing going on that he could never predict. Once he had felt calm enough, Shuichi got a towel from the office and took a scalding shower, yes he knew the perverse joke an dor way most people dealt with this was to take a cold shower, but he was too temperature sensitive with the cold. Also cold showers sound unsanitary, everyone knows heat kills bacteria, plus a hot shower was at least comforting enough for him.

As Shuichi dried off he tried to reassure himself that it was not the worst thing that could have happened. Sure Miu catching him with a nonsensical no reason boner was embarrassing and she would probably never let him live it down, but it could be worse. His mom could have caught him with one and  _ that _ would have been more embarrassing, or one of his professors. Shuichi briefly wondered if his medication was finally kicking in, by now he could be on the verge of a panic attack and shut himself in his room, stay cooped up in a nest of depression.

He felt calmer though, it was either the medication working or he was getting used to the people here in a way that he was adjusting. After getting as dry as he can, Shuichi pulled on his clothes and used the hairdryer to get his damp hair dried and out of his face for the most part. When he was done Shuichi was surprised to see the room still empty, he figured Kokichi would stop by to put his clothes on and run off to be a menace somewhere else. As Shuichi went to his drawer to check out the books he was not yet done reading there was a knock on his door, turning his head he saw Kaito.

“Hey kiddo,” Kaito says, “mind if I come in?”

“Not really,” Shuichi consented.

Kaito slipped into his room and looked over at the stack of books on Shuichi’s drawer.

“You’re a big reader aren’t you Shuichi? I figured you were a book worm.”

Shuichi simply nodded and swiped one of the more colorful covered books, sitting down on his bed and leafing through the pages, wondering what Kaito had wanted to talk to him about.

“So...I could not help but hear about what happened at the cafeteria this morning..”

Shuichi could barely repress the groan that slipped from him, he closed his book and leaned over with his fingers massaging his temples.

“Look I get it if you don't wanna talk about it, but I’m supposed to keep an eye on ya soooo…”

“It was just something that happened to happen, I literally did not even think anything that would… You know?”  
Kaito nodded and took a pamphlet out of his pocket and placed it on SHuichi’s drawer for him. Raising an eyebrow, Shuichi took the pamphlet and looked it over, before his face grew red and he put it back down where he retrieved it.

“I decline.”

“You haven’t even read it.”

  
“I really don’t need to Kaito, I appreciate it, but I already had the _talk_ a long time ago, I’m really fine.”

  
“Well if you’re sure…”

Shuichi really wished there was a reset button, one that let him redo everything wrong or even stop himself from calling the suicide hotline number and just walk back home. He would rather live without having Kaito basically give him a masturbatory sex ed pamphlet. Especially one that looked like it was printed in the 1980’s by an amateur manga artist.

“I am very sure, I will be fine Kaito, I appreciate the concern though,” Shuichi said firmly, looking over at the man.

“Well we all can’t be sure what goes through most of your heads all the time, a lot of kids come from a harsh family record or something where they let basic needs or developments go uneducated or tended to.”

Shuichi nodded, “no need to worry about that with me, my parents never neglected me, my dad is the ideal supportive figure, so is my mom and I have a very supportive friend, I bet you don’t usually get people like me in here.”

“No we have patients and kids like you,” Kaito nodded, “even with support and love you can never really heal illness in the head, medicine and counseling or therapy helps it become bearable, gives you hope and hope is a big benefactor in living your life.”

Kaito patted Shuichi’s back at that and left him alone to his thoughts. Kaito was really supportive and calming, he seemed like the kind of person you would see working with kids in the children's hospital, yet here he was with mentally ill teenagers.

 

* * *

 

Shuichi had came out of his room with a book under his arm, he had thrown the pamphlet away and decided it would be best to apologize to Himiko incase he had made her uncomfortable. He had checked the cafeteria, the lounge and the office and had not found her so for the first time since he’s been here, Shuichi dared go down the right wing. He had no idea which room was the one Himiko shared with Tsumugi until he spotted a door with a picture of Himiko as a witch rising above with a wand in her hand. It was drawn out in colored pencil and there was a few choice stickers over it, there was even the caption, “Magical Girl Himiko,” written on it.

Staying away from the door as possible, Shuichi knocked on the door, only to be met by Tsumugi. Right, Tsumugi was Himiko’s roommate.

“Can I help you Shuichi?” Tsumugi asked, stepping out from the room , leaving the door open a crack.

“Um yes, I was looking for Himiko.”  
“She’s in the shower.”  
“Oh um alright… Guess I’ll come back later…”

That was beyond awkward, as Shuichi moved to leave he felt Tsumugi touch his shoulder.

“Ah wait… There’s something I wanted to tell you…”

Shuichi paused, Tsumugi looked a little lost when she said this, he turned to her and nodded, “alright then.”

“Look I… I know we did not see eye to eye at group counseling, I was not necessarily… Polite as I could have been and I’m sorry for that…”

Shuichi nodded, he appreciated that Tsumugi was able to apologize to him, “apology accepted, I’m sorry too, for what it’s worth.”

Tsumugi shook her head, “ I came here diagnosed with psychosis from my family’s medical doctor.”

Shuichi stopped for a moment, all around in general, Tsumugi adjusted her glasses and smiled at him.

“I’m too used to the phrase, “if you want something done right, do it yourself.” Most people in my life leave me to my own devices or did not really have time to care about me, so it’s even harder for me to comprehend why anyone here could even care about me, and maybe they did, but I just never noticed and I think it’s unfair for me to not appreciate something even if I can’t necessarily see it.”

“Tsumugi that’s…” Shuichi was not sure what to say. Thankfully he did not have to when the door to Himiko and Tsumugi’s room opened up and Himiko came out, dressed and hair damp.

“Tsumugi who are you… Oh hi Shuichi.”

“Hi Himiko, I’m sorry about earlier.”

Himiko’s face flamed up a little, she crossed her arms and tilted her head to the side, “i-it’s no big deal ok? I get it, Miu was being too mean about it so Kokichi chewed her out, no one saw anything.”

Shuichi pondered over that for a tick, there goes Kokichi doing something like that again, backing him up unnecessarily, what was with that? He would have to seriously ask Kokichi about it later.

“W-well alright, do you need any help practicing some of your card tricks?” Shuichi asked politely.

“It’s magic Shuichi, and yes I would need of your assistance to practice performing my magic in the future.”

 

* * *

 

Shuichi spent his morning free time with Himiko, trying to figure out her trick while also helping her by taking cards and shuffling them at odd angles. He still could not figure out the trick by the time they were done and lunch started. He walked with Himiko, hoping a bit that Miu was not going to continue to tease him about what had happened that morning. 

The two sat down at a vacant table and Shuichi was asking Himiko about how she did her last trick, to which he still got the same answer, which was always “ _ maaaagic _ ”. Tsumugi joined them and redirected the conversation to a magical girl anime she had seen a while ago.

“Afternoon peons, Shuichi,” Kokichi greeted and sat down next to Shuichi after a mixture of hassling and nudging Tsumugi out of the way to squeeze in. Shuichi was mildly amused and also thought it was entirely unnecessary.   
  
“You’re really clingy to Shuichi Kokichi…” tsumugi said to him as if she had just subtly told another girl she was brave to be wearing the wrong color with her outfit.

“I  _ am _ his roommate annnd he’s my nemesis, you know what they say, keep your friends close and your enemies closer!” 

Shuichi coughed in the middle of drinking his water, Himiko patted his back, “really Kokichi?”

“What? You’re my number one enemy of this place, the ward is not big enough for two alpha males here Shuichi!” at this Kokichi began to flex at Shuichi, who hand to keep a hand over his mouth. Cute.

  
“Ok ok, I’m just wondering why you’re lying about being enemies, do you not like the word friends?” Shuichi said, batting away Kokich’s hands that were trying to get Shuichi’s hands to feel his biceps.

Kokichi stopped and giggled, “what’re you talking about? I don’t have friends Shuichi, a cool guy like me is a lone wolf type, I fly solo, it’s what makes me a mysterious.”

“Whatever you say Kokichi.”

 

* * *

 

Counseling had gone interestingly enough for Shuichi. One on one counseling was different from group sessions, usually it was the warm lady Shuichi usually saw, Mrs. Sato. They reserved one of the examination rooms out of the ward for the one on one sessions, for some cases like Miu, Ryoma or Kokichi it took longer than the usual hour they got for one on one counseling. Days where there was one on one counseling lead to extra free time, to which Angie was always happy to prepare and activity for.

This time Shuichi had a different counselor, for what reason it was explained that Mrs. Sato was on break for today. This counselor took a couple of minutes to read through Shuichi’s file, his name was Mr. Naegi and to be honest the man looked like he should not be here. He looked like he was the type of man that if Shuichi put him in any type of scene he would not fit in. Not to mention he did look extremely young, Shuichi knew a lot of the staff and counselors looked pretty youthful, but Mr. Naegi was almost pre pubescent looking.

“So Shuichi, this is technically your second time with one on one counseling, mind if I mention some points Mrs. Sato kept recorded on your file?” Naegi asked, flipping open the binder and clicking a ball point pen. Shuichi nodded, he saw no reason to decline.

“So here on your record in general, you admitted yourself after you attempted suicide, you called the international suicide hotline number and walked all the way to this hospital from the time frame of two to three thirty am.”

“You said you have been off your medication your counselor had prescribed to you via a provider for about a month… Why did you go off your medication?”

Shuichi was a little caught off guard by the forward question, he reached back to rub the back of his neck, looking down at his shoes.

“I’m not sure myself, I was supposed to go in to get a refill on my own time, but I got busy with school work, then again I also think…”  
“Go on.”  
“I also kind of thought I was causing trouble, I don’t have a troubling family life or get bullied at school, I kind of fly under the radar too much to be a hassle, but I guess for my family and friends, who all are pretty fine and normal and good people I just… Kind of felt like they deserved better so I guess I decided I was going to be fine for their sakes.”

“But then you relapsed and had a depression induced episode, which could not have been too kind sense you had just gotten off your medication,” Naegi filled in  after Shuichi paused from his own explanation. Shuichi nodded in agreement, he felt a little nervous.

“So what had happened that day, up to when you had an episode.”

Shuichi wracked his head, he had buried those memories after he had that moment in the shower. He thought it would be better to bury it so that he can get by easier here without freaking out the other patients by not talking and thinking about it constantly. 

Taking a deep breath he began, starting the conversation to the events that lead up to that day.

 

* * *

 

_ Shuichi Saihara was pretty plain, he liked to read, was not in any clubs, despite the only small rumor that he was probably apart of the literature club, but he was not interested in such things. In his own school life he was dedicated to doing his best, studying and reading novels, he was pretty boring if he had to describe himself simply. The most interesting part of Shuichi was the people in his life, especially Kaede, she was involved with the school orchestra, one of the only and youngest students to play the celesta. She was a shiny star that had saw something in Shuichi enough to let him befriend such a star. _

_ Kaede would braid her hair sometimes during lunch and get plenty of love letters stuffed in her locker, to which she refused amusedly. She was a breath of fresh air, Shuichi was sure if he was going to do better he would want to start by doing better by her. His parents he would have to work harder to do better by, they deserved it after all, but if he could do better by Kaede then he could do it. _

_ That was what he had thought.  _

_ A week before the incident Shuichi had took up more of Kaede’s offers to eat lunch with her in the orchestra room with her other band mates. He had done fine, or as fine as he could, he strained from hiding or looking away when talking to other people, their school dress code strictly denied Shuichi the comfort of wearing his hats. “It was alright, I would have to learn to get over this social anxiety and fear at some point,” was what he had thought at the time. _

_ As the week went by Shuichi joined Kaede with her other friends out to other events, he tried really hard, he did. He really did. He wanted to be better. He had to be better. _

_ Shuichi thought that as long as he was with Kaede he would be fine, everything would be alright, but he was wrong. Sitting with Kaede’s band mates to some of her friends after school had slowly ate at him. He had looked at these people, how nice, shiny, brilliant, how they were less boring than him and better in every way, in every angle. Why didn’t Kaede see that? _

_ Why was Kaede his friend? _

_ It had dug in his skull and latched itself in a very sensitive place, a place Shuichi never touched, let it fester and eat at him. It hollowed him out and he had embarrassed himself in front of Kaede’s friends when he had suddenly shied away from their gaze and excused himself too quickly. He had locked himself in a bathroom stall until he had decided to go home and lay in bed, festering in his thoughts. He was a failure, it did not take him long before he had fucked up one thing.  _

_ He could not do it. _

_ That was the simple conclusion Shuichi had come to. It was the one thing he was trying not to fuck up, he wanted to be normal so badly, force his brain to function like everyone else’s. Here he was gripping at his chest, hurting and sobbing into his pillow. The self pity was disgusting, he could feel himself causing more trouble for his family, for his friend, for whoever had a generous heart in this world to try and help him. _

_ It was gross, it made him squirm in disgust, like it was a second foreign skin covering over him, putrid, it was all putrid, his thoughts, his self pity, his worth.  _

_ He had passed out in his fit of tears, but had woken up with his clock glowing the numbers 1:37 am at him in the dark. Most people felt better after crying their eyes out or sleeping things off, but right when he woke up it started again. The thoughts, it welled up and kept building, overwhelming his senses and feeling his eyes prick with moisture again. Shuichi’s eyes burned, they were probably extremely bloodshot by now and his face was gross with fluids dripping from him like a faucet. He grabbed the tissue box on his bedside table and wiped off his face. He had to walk. Walk it off. _

_ So that was what he had done, he walked all the way down to the bridge that arched over the rushing river, a hundred and fifty foot drop, no cars passing. The light fixtures on the bridge flickered. _

 

* * *

 

Shuichi felt blank as he finished retelling the events, it’s not like it did not affect him, but he could not feel anything, it was like he had separated himself from everything to keep from probably loosing his cool. He did not feel like reliving the events, but a part of his had and that part was nervously scratching at the material of his jeans, tracing the coarse fabric.

“I see, so you seem to of worked yourself up to that point by placing the thought that you had to, perse, act normal for Kaede around her other peers,” Naegi stated out loud, to which Shuichi nodded in response.

“What I’m curious about is did it seem that Kaede wanted you to act like this?”

After Naegi had asked this Shuichi shook his head, “no, I mean… I get that a lot of this is on part of me overthinking it, but I felt like she deserved better.”

“Have you talked to Kaede about this?”  
  
“No.”

“Does she visit you or call?”

Shuichi nodded.

“Then next time you get to contact her I advise you talk to her about it, from what I can gather, you seem to place a lot of responsibility on your shoulders and from what I can tell it becomes a negative impact on you, so I want you to try really hard to find a way to manage that, it can be simple things, like telling yourself that what you have done is enough, validating yourself first before letting others influence this in your life, that is what I gather at least, this is my first time meeting with you after all.”

Shuichi nodded, letting Naegi’s words sink into him, after the session was done Shuichi was left to pace for a bit down the left wing thinking about his session. He suppose he was one to overachieve, but was it really to seek some sort of validation from others? Shuichi was not so sure, but he felt like the answer was yes. He got lost in thinking about how he used to draw his mother pictures and then ask her what she wanted in the next one, spending hours one one drawing until his dad had finished dinner and he was forced to stop and eat dinner, leg bouncing and mind thinking about improving the drawing or what he could add that his mom liked.

Ok maybe he really did seek validation from others too much…

When Gonta had found him, Shuichi was not surprised he had a visitor, it was most likely his parents or Kaede, in which case if it was Kaede then that would make things ten times more interesting, considering his counseling session earlier. To Shuichi’s own anxiety, it was Kaede, she was sitting sweetly in the visiting room, smiling and hugging Shuichi. It was now or never.

 

**Chapter Five END**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thanks for reading this new chapter! It's getting a little rough over here for me so thank you for your patience! Leave me a comment below on your thoughts and I will see you guys next time!  
> Tumblr: https://euphoriawriter.tumblr.com/
> 
> Suicide Hotline Phone Number: 1-800-273-8255


	6. Say Goodbye To Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I was trying really hard,” was his voice always this hoarse? Did his lungs always feel this tight? Like he was choking himself internally. “R-really hard to be normal... “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for such a short chapter, but for some reason it felt appropriate to make this chapter short, not all chapters have to be long and grandiose, besides a lot is going on and it's easier to simplify it and smooth it out occasionally.

Shuichi felt his anxiety welling inside of him, expanding like a balloon and bursting in such a slow measure that even when it bust it was slow and temperate. He was sitting alone in the visiting room with one of the staff members off to the side playing an app on their phone. Kaede was sitting next to Shuichi smiling and talking. Shuichi knew he had to say something soon or else he would just let things go and never improve or heal.

Taking a deep breath Shuichi started.

 

* * *

 

_ Shaking, shuddering, it had to be one of the warmest days coming up to the summer, but Shuichi felt his body shaking, wracked with nerves and thoughts that overwhelmed him. He wish he could throw it up, like it sully the ground and leave his body like a cure being lifted, but it was not that easy. It never was. _

_ The ground felt unsteady, but he kept walking, he needed to keep walking, not sure why or where, but it was something. He needed something to do that could potentially distract him. His eyes were bleary and could barely focus on what was in front of him. What had made Shuichi stop was when he felt the ground shift and the noise of gurgling water. Back to that fresh hell again, he swayed. _

 

* * *

 

“You know… When I was um,” Shuichi paused hard, he was uneasy about this conversation, he was not prepared or anything. But sometimes you had to suck it up and just do it, no matter what, he wanted to be fair to Kaede, to his parents and everyone else he cared about, but apparently one of the only ways to do that was to try and voice himself more.

Kaede gave him her full attention, with the look in her eyes that she got when she realized something serious was happening or when she switched onto her listener mode.

“I was trying really hard,” was his voice always this hoarse? Did his lungs always feel this tight? Like he was choking himself internally. “R-really hard to be normal... “

Kaede turned from a still image portrait into starry night, swirled with color and dripping off of the page. That was when Shuichi realized his best friend was not art and he was crying. The tears just dripped from his eyes so easily and freely, it made his eyes burn and feel like they were on fire. Why was this so hard? 

He tried to take in a deep breath but he almost choked on it, tried again and things grew smoother, “I just wanted to be normal, for you, for my parents, I tried  _ really _ , really hard.”

Kaede nodded, or at least Shuichi thought she was, he wiped his eyes on his sleeves, feeling like he had wiped a small fraction of his issues right now away.

“When I went off of my pills I thought I could do it you know?” Shuichi tried really hard not to mutter, his voice was really quiet and felt restrained. “I went off of them because I thought everyone deserved better and that I could  _ try _ to fix myself and be normal without the pills, without needing to be a bother to everyone because I needed medication to- to be normal, I hated it, I hated it so much.”

  
“So then I tried, I tried so hard to be a normal good best friend for you, but it just made me realize there were better people than me for you- I don’t even know why you’re here still or why you still want to be my friend, when everyone else doesn’t have issues like me, people who don’t even need pills to be alright or be a bother to anyone.”  
It all rushed out of him, it was like word vomit, except worse because it actually was like his head had cracked open and all his insecure demons came rushing out with stakes and swords. They were killing him, stabbing him in the throat and laying claim on his land which was his body and all that was him. When they cut open his jugular terrible noises came out, sounds and secrets, truths and thoughts, which were the most dangerous kinds of poisons to swallow, and they made him regurgitate it to his best friend.

Shuichi felt tired, he had said what he had needed to say and that was that. Now he was crying as quietly as he can, as if that could shrink him like he had hoped. Instead he found warmth in the arms of a pianist that made him feel big, not small of unwanted like he had expected. He felt his tears stain Kaede’s sweater as he shook, it was the worst sensation he could imagine.

“You worry too much Shuichi,” he somehow managed to hear her through his quiet sobs and shaking. “I know that’s apart of you, but you will never be a bother, I wish you were a big bother so you can let me take care of you more.”

Kaede’s fingers ran through Shuichi’s hair now, knocking his hat off and threading them through his hair as gently and delicately as she would playing a piano. Those were the hands of his best friend who he cherished.

“I wish I had a piano to play you a song, you know the one, but maybe I should find a new one for you, another classic that would cleanse your soul and clear your head from those bad thoughts. Shuichi.” Kaede stopped and retreated back a little to hold his face. Shuichi saw Kaede’s face and saw nothing but unadulterated love and sadness, a blend of two colors that one would see at a funeral. Maybe he was actually dying.

“Never think you’re not good enough for me, you are my best friend, no one else is, I would have it no other way, even if I have another best friend, you will always be my number one, as you are. No fault of yours is so bad that you need to punish yourself over to try and hide it- it’s an illness Shuichi, it’s no different than taking medicine when your sick, I want you to take it, change it up if it’s not working, see a counselor, see a therapist, talk about yourself. Pet a dog, go get a cute guy’s phone number, tell me when you’re upset or need to vent, the only things you can do when you’re alive, so don’t think for a second that you’re  _ not _ my best friend Shuichi Saihara or that you’re not worth my time, because you are so worth it. Every smile, every tear, every breakdown or bad jokes- it is so worth it to have you here, existing, I want you to let this sink in, I love you, you nerd.”

Shuichi was not sure about the rest of the visit, he was sure most of it was spent with him crying his eye’s out with Kaede, who left wet patches of mascara on his blue shirt, but Shuichi could not complain. When he left that visit, he went to his room and passed out in bed.

 

* * *

 

When Shuichi woke up it was way too early and his stomach was growling. This was the first time in a long time that he had felt hungry like this, his body ached and his head was slightly pounding. There was a small knot in his head that was forming a headache, he needed water. Shuichi stumbled to the bathroom and grabbed one of the small plastic cups from the dispenser and filled it up. The cup was too tiny for his thirst so he refilled it too many times for him to count and drank. He was already up now so going back to sleep was not an option, he had an hour or so until wake up. 

Shuichi looked in the mirror and fixed his hair at first until he noticed there was something off about the shower curtain. He looked over and saw the edge of a sock poking out underneath it. There was a moment of bright fear in Shuichi’s mind before he brought the curtain back. Shuichi was not sure what he was looking at when he did. Kokichi was slumped against the shower wall, damp with water and holding onto a towel in his hands, passed out. What was he doing sleeping in here?

Reaching out, Shuichi gently shook Kokichi, he got a snort in response as he stirred against the wall. Cautiously, Shuichi grabbed Kokichi and lifted him up from the shower stall, water dripping onto him off of Kokichi’s pajamas. Being as careful as ever, Shuichi carried Kokichi to his bed and tucked him in, his wet clothes would probably soak into the bed, but there were worse fluids to soak into than water. Kokichi was stirring around more, still holding onto the towel. Shuichi was a little scared to find out why Kokichi had the towel in his hands so possessively. 

Shuichi went back to his bed and flipped on the small light on his drawer to start reading.

 

* * *

 

Breakfast rolled around smoothly, Shuichi was sure Kokichi was not awake when the wake up calls went off in the ward. He decided not to bother him and let Kokichi catch a few more winks, especially after he had found him passed out in the shower that morning. Shuichi enjoyed breakfast with Himiko and Ryoma in the nice silent morning, until Miu came around with Tsumugi close behind, although this morning even Miu seemed more involved with her notebook. By the time Kokichi had came into the mess hall he was tailed by a scowling Kaito, Kokichi probably got in trouble with him.

While Kokichi was getting food, Shuichi listened in on the conversation going on with Tsumugi and Himiko talking about Tsumugi leaving today.

“I get discharged at lunch, my parents are picking me up, although I do not doubt they’ll cancel last minute and send a driver instead,” Tsumugi said, not seeming disappointed in this nor that badly affected.

“Rich kids, always gotta brag,” Miu grumbled into her notebook, Tsumugi rolled her eyes and Himiko waved a hand around in a slow circle.

“You better check your phone for when I get discharged too, Tenko thinks it’d be great if we had tea sometime,” Himiko said.

The idle and nice chatter of plans to be made in the future chittered over the table between Himiko and Tsumugi, Shuichi did not mind hearing it, it was nice and normal, something to cushion after yesterday emotionally drained him. Kokichi joined the table and sat next to Shuichi, placing a hand in his hand and looking blankly up at the ceiling.

Kokichi was oddly quiet for most of breakfast, he seemed more intent at staring off into space or focusing on his glass of water. It was a little out of character for Shuichi to witness Kokichi acting like this, but then again people were complex and had off days too. Unless Kaito had said something that bugged Kokichi enough to be quiet, but Shuichi also doubted that a little.

Free time after breakfast was quiet and pleasant too, Shuichi, Himiko and Ryoma played scrabble with Tsumugi upon her request. Even Angie and Gonta showed up at some point and somehow joined the preferably four player game by combining another scrabble board into the mix. It was a good time for the most part, surprisingly Angie got competitive with Ryoma and for once Shuichi witnessed a spark in Ryoma that he could only seem to place with that of which he usually saw in athletes. He was a tennis player after all, the occasion of seeing him get competitive and loose the little amount of emptiness in his eyes was something rare and treasured.

After lunch had rolled by, Shuichi went to the front office with most of the other patients and staff to say his goodbyes to Tsumugi. When Tsumugi approached him she gave him a brief hug and place a piece of paper in his hands.

“Feel free to join Himiko and I outside of here sometime Shuichi, I’m sure we can be good friends,” she smiled at him before skittering off to give Angie a hug and be escorted by her and Gonta out of the ward.

Shuichi was a little shocked that Tsumugi had ended up giving him her phone number, but he was sure he was going to see her again outside of the ward, somehow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok guys, I know this was short but give me some feedback in the comments, how you feel about Tsumugi leaving? How about Kaede and Shuichi in the beginning? Let me knoooow!  
> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Suicide Hotline Phone Number: 1-800-273-8255

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys, thank you so much for reading, I will be getting the second chapter out as soon as possible, but I would love some feedback in the comments so I can hear from you guys, doesn't need to be an over analyzed critique of the first chapter, it can be something that you enjoyed or related to!  
> Tumblr: https://euphoriawriter.tumblr.com/
> 
> Suicide Hotline Phone Number: 1-800-273-8255


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